A Place to Share
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A Place to Share |
 
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The Loneliness From Within You speak out loud, call for "that" special person Loneliness haunts me, invades the chambers of my heart and soul Nothing on this earth we live can touch this empty feeling So as time rolls away without delay, there are plans that must be made So in closing you will find my Loneliness, there is no mistake Bev Toma 9/23/98 We have angels such as Smuzzy, who watches the chatroom with a keen eye And life in the chatroom, Bunny dust and all, would not quite be fulfilled As the fog clears, in pops Waldo with her jokes, Ad^^ with his concern and Mrcarl As you see we have angels everywhere, lurking, no hiding in this room As you can tell there are many angels who help carry this heavy load We have NNB^ and his "strange" computer, Bouy and his popups, Dar's around too TBICHAT is full of angels, who somehow smooth the edges and pull us through There are more angels I have not mentioned, but we're Blessed and feel so proud This poem can't go further without mention of the one who works so very hard So in ending I will say, each and every angel in our "outfield" Dedicated to all survivors and caregivers of TBICHAT Bev (Flog) Toma 7/22/98
I cannot change this person, or who i currently am
Oh God, how many times I have tried
But the Law of Loneliness is applied unfailing
And you always question, "I should have died".
You need that hug, that affection, or just a special touch
Sometimes it is hard to realize what feelings that you miss
But you know Lonilenss, and you have that feeling oh so much.
Sometimes it is hard to realize, as I shed so many tears
That the wall of Loneliness has no respect to age or sex
It consumes you totally, without effort, as you wither year by year.
You search the heavens frantically, is that not something you can bestow?
All appears dreary, dark and bare, contentment is not an emotion known
You get no answer from Above; and you know the Loneliness comes from Below.
Now lacking soundness of mind, and so weak in health
My Will must stand the test, I leave to whoever all that I possess
I leave to you my Loneliness, which is all I have that is considered wealth.
My Will in love is given, and it is yours at my decease
Yet there is an item still left behind; I leave my way to Heaven
And if this trying way you take, it will let me end my days in peace.
There is a place we all can gather for fun, laughter and tears
A place we all feel safe and secure, a place where angels truly live
Here we tell our inner most thoughts, and get comfort in return
This place called TBICHAT, has many angels willing to give from within.
We have angels, Pippi, Herbie and Yappers, who make you laugh until you cry
And then there is the loving Nana, Teddy, ReneNZ and our artist Scar
Reminding us all of why we are in chat, handing out hankeys to dry our eyes.
If the angel Maykeema did not show up with her three legged farting dog
Tommy and his beer, Copper with her smile and Lee^ with her wisdom and advice
you would think with all of the "angels" those in chat would be somewhat in a fog!!
Always checking, asking to be sure we're alright, just as the wav starts to play
Ah, Mrcarl, bagpipe6 is for you and I know behind his keyboard he smiles
You see all of our angels know what to say, and smiling wish everyone a very good day.
Mec pops in and always inquires "how ya doing Golf" and has a great big smile
Then the angel Lem, with Maddad in tow, gives his normal burly hello
About this time dear Ax appears, and does his auto greet, smile and stay awhile.
We have young Cara, young Bethany and JJ to keep us on our toes
There are many times when "our angels" love can't seem to smooth the pain
But just spend an hour with these friends, and you soon learn to go with the flow.
There is the ever "fleeting" Dash, VR and Pat, as they talk about their cooking fun
Z is chillin, Janee full of tricks, Maggie our new grandma, and JeanAZ with the heat
You put all these angels, named or not, in one room, and there is no where to run!!
While sometimes our problems seem so great, and there is nothing they can do
We then set at our keyboards, and heart to heart we start to cry
But the angels know God will Bless all the friends who are just standing by
To have such angels for wonderful friends, caring, loving friends without faces
To share our laughter, our sorrows, our joy and our smiles
We know all our angels are present, holding our hands, pointing up to His Graces
Daily e-mails, he is truly an angel, guarded by all of his angel's love from within
Sagasha, Brian David Moore, saved my life, he brought me to your door
He helped me with my computer, coached me, he led me to you my dear friends!!
Are so unique, so loving and possess such a life full of passion
These angels are truly gifts of God's love, love which we should all employ
We should watch as each angel expands their wings, truly in a God Like fashion.
Written for Woodstock, August 8th, l998
The Road Filled With Fear This road filled with my fears, mixes in much turmoil Then I hear the Angels calling from high above this road of fear Then I hear the shrill high pitched voice of the Demon of my fears The fight begins, as the Angel gets out my album book, some pages even worn The Demon snickers as He says "He needs no pictures" just come follow me My confusion is taking over, Angels, Demons, whose thoughts do I let direct me? The turmoil between Good and Evil, are really choices, of which I need to make The road of fear is always with me, in the darkest corners of my mind Bev (flog) Toma 7/6/98
The road filled with fear stops at my front door
I peer through my window, hoping it is gone
I tremble, I hide knowing where this road will lead
This road stays, is inviting, should I follow it along?
I want to follow it, be brave, let it just whisk me away
But then I hear my friends; screaming No! No! you cannot go
As I sit, begin to wonder, perhaps I should go another day.
Telling me to search through friends, for the existence of Hope and Trust
It is the whispers of the Angles that make me stop and think
Do I really want to wither, die, and once again turn back to dust?
He holds out his hand, follow me and be done with all of your pain
The Demon makes the road seem calm and says toss away your fears
Come follow Me down the path and you will never have fear and pain again.
There are many old pictures of happiness and love, and some have become molded
I page through them, year by yeaar, and suddenly begin to shed some tears
As I sit here boldly, wiping at my tears, I realize before me my life has unfolded.
He says "Be not afraid" you are looking for Trust, I can give it to you and set you free
Now duty crowds my mind, the fear quickly cowering within
Whose thoughts do I let guide me...... Is this where I want to be?
The Angels sing we know it is hard, this you must come to terms and realize
The Demon boasts, and bellows "look" your life is nothing but a very small book
The Angels gather around, They spread my entire life out right before my eyes.
A warm gentle breeze brushes over me trying to help me find "that sacred place"
In this turmoil, I wonder, I look at Good and Evil, who will be holding my hand?
The Angel of Life or the Demon of Death that I choose and stare at face to face.
My soul wants, it deserves, peace and serenity, it can no longer continue the fight
I feel the warmth, the hope and love; is it from the Devil or those up High?
Once again it is back to choices; I pray desperately the choice I make is right.
Farewell My Friend Kevin you always let me know you were indeed my friend Kevin you laughed with me, cried with me, even made me smile Dear Kevin you body is now deep within Mother Natures soil Now Kevin I have asked our God to give me strength to deal with my fears Now as I struggle to be brave and let your spirit peacefully go As I bid farewell to you my trusting angel, my friend Kevin, know that you have left foot prints in my heart, which will never be the same dedicated to Kevin, who passed suddenly 5/27/98
Kevin you were there, you were my life for me
You were the friend who loved me and stood by
You told me friendships could not always lift lifes heavy loads
Dear Kevin, then tell me Why did you have to die?
You told me you would stand by me and with me to the very end
The warm hand clasp I felt was always yours I know
Now Dear Kevin you are gone and I don't have a friiend.
Kevin you were the person that made the sky more beautiful to gaze upon
You listened to my fears and anger with understanding, never a judgemental day
Now Dear Kevin you are gone, and our work had just begun.
Weeds of life can never bother you, for your Soul is now up high
While life has now been taken from you, you can now embrace our God
Remember Kevin these words are for you, Oh why did you have to die?
I took a little time today to reminisce about our friendship, about our past
And I called your name Dear Kevin, but you did not answer me
Oh Dear Kevin please tell me why; our friendship was suppose to last.
I feel that rumbling of the fears and troubles deep within my soul
Kevin you were a friend to me, who came so quickly into my life
And now Dear Kevin you're not here to keep me from my Deep Dark Hole.
I hear you say "don't be afraid, grab hold and soar with me into the night"
For God has surely taken you, to be my angel in the sky
Warm words await you from our God, for you truly now see the light.
Now my Angel, Kevin, it is time to say good bye, let you take your place up high
I know as my angel, Kevin, you will try to wipe my flowing tears away
As my days pass swiftly and sweetly, Kevin, will you be there when I die?
Bev (flog) Toma 6/1/98
The Place Down Under You can't take your smokes, or tell people you'll be right back I search deep within the troubles of my mind and soul In this place Down Under, the deep unforgiving hole Blindly groping through the narrow dark corridors The Devil lunges and grabs me by the hand You see the faceless face Down Under is all ready for me to come Gasping, I turn and run, my heart pounding in my chest And now I stand above the Hole, having conquered another battle today While I did not choose the "new life" I cannot change the way I am Bev Toma (5/26/98)
There is a place Down Under
Where no one wants to go
It's dark, it's cold, a most uninviting room
But a place I need to visit because I am feeling so low.
For once you are in the place Down Under
And you have the feelings that make you so worthless and low
You understand that it's really becoming to late, Oh God that clap of Thunder.
Wondering if I have lost all the love I once knew and had
Knowing that I once had Angels watching me out There
But knowing all the paths of life I have chosen are so very sad.
My thoughts are broadcasts of my soul, my deepest darkest fears
So often I will criticize the things that others do
Forgetting the One Above is close by and always hears.
I hear a voice, asking, is it You Lord, reaching out in all my pain
Shocked, this place Down Under, lights up like the morning sun
I shrivel back, fear etched on my face, it is the Devil saying, glad you came again.
Walks me through Down Under, reminiscing year by year
So many faces I have known, some who made bad choices
He walks me to a faceless friend, and i begin to shed some tears.
The Devil smirks, laughs like Thunder, saying: here is your final resting place
The Dark One motions for me to come closer, look at where you are
I withdraw my hand from His, screaming No, I'm still in God's good Grace.
I must keep fighting, I can't give up, I will find God's Sweet Face
The hole Down Under suddenly opens, I feel a strong hand reaching down
I cry Oh God hear me, don't let this hole Down Under be my final resting place.
Don't let this hate I have of my "new" life. cause you to hate me too
The Lord says: Look behind the clouds is a Golden Sun
It lists my achievements in great numbers and my faults as very few.
I now know there is a battle to fight against Down Under, each and every day
God as made a casting of my "new life" created in His Likeness
And then in His Almighty Wisdom, threw the "old" cast of me away.
Why Why do things happen so unexpectedly Why does one have to go to hell and back Why does one try to adjust and sustain this "new" life through Why is a question, that seems not to have an answer Bev Toma (05/20/98)
Sitting on the sidelines not knowing what to say
Watching each day of my life go marching by
Trying to remember what I used to be and have
And realizing, maybe not in time, my question is really Why?
It creeps up from behind and knocks one to the ground
Takes from me all that used to seem so safe and secure
And leaves me sitting, wondering, just hanging around.
Trying to sift through reality, but not having a clue
Hating that I have become so very different now
Silently crying, sittting, not knowing what to do.
Knowing the "old" life is deeply becoming buried in the past
Wandering aimlessly through the narrow divides in my mind
Desperately fearing, if I have a future, how long it will last?
No clear cut avenues back to reality, no matter how hard you try
Memories are dimming, each day although new, feels so wrong
And what I cannot accept, is no answer to my Why?
This Mind Game of Life In this game we are told that what we give I continue to play this game, follow all directions This game takes place in my mind and soul This game it sucks and drains you body and soul This game takes me to my deepest and darkest fears Bev Toma (05/07/98)
Life appears to be nothing more than a game
In which we are not given a choice, but told to play
We are dealt our hand by the One above
Who I pray and come to question more everyday.
At least what we think, say or do
Should probably come back to us tenfold
Unfortunately this I have found not to be true.
I scream and cry of my physical and mental pain
And then it hits me and I remember
That is thing called life is nothing but a game.
And dreams of Your sweet embrace
I wait, there is nothing, not even a sign
This game of life is becoming merely a trace.
It sends me to so many forbidden places
I come face to face with the troubles of my mind
And I realize I may never know the nature of this games embrace.
Regrets torn bleeding from my aching heart
I question if this game long played, is perhaps ending
And is it true my mind and soul, can no longer play the part?
In The Valley of My Heart While sitting and listening to the pounding of my heart The depths of it's purple cavarans The paths and ridges that govern my heart My heart and thoughts are now broadcasts of my soul So in the valley of my heart Now trapped in this valley of my heart Bev (flog) Toma 5/2/98
In the deep dark valley of my heart
Lies a place I want to be
It's color is inviting, and very much serene
This valley in my heart can surely set me free.
It glows bright red and beats, one, two, three
There is a darkness in me awakening
It is bellowing, it is me.
Seem grand, such a captivating scene
It beats and pounds and calls my name
And is saying "it's you" I want your being.
Say the troubles here are all my own
The heart and soul now want, and demand "their" time
For the paths of the heart and soul must now tread alone.
And there are no untold secrets in my brain
Old memories and thoughts once brought me happiness
The new memories, so much untold pain.
I see my reflection in it's mirror
The struggle continues between my heart and soul
While I sit and look into the face of fear.
It continues to beat, one, two, three
I can only hope and pray to God
That this struggle sets me free
What Is This Blue? You wonder what this day willl bring Blue is such a meaningful color For to many times I have let The color Blue, I yearn to keep My Blue is calling, - accept yourself Sometimes it seems we hurt the ones Blue tells me you have got to learn So I look to the sky as the Sun sets Not knowing what word my Blue needs to hear My Blue may come and go for now by Bev (flog) Toma
You wake up in the morning
you know things don't feel quite right
you stop, look and check the mirror
you know you made it through the night.
happiness, sadness or something new
I know I mourn the "me" before
and yet I look out, and the sky is Blue.
or so it certainly used to be
It's that color that make me smile and laugh
But wait; I don't see it anymore in me.
un-important things into my mind
and then it is usually too late
to see what has made me blind.
It seems to smile and call my name
It dances, waves and rises up high
I'm reaching for it, is it possible to attain?
and be thankful for all the little things
I continue to reach, to search, praying so hard
Please Blue; don't leave this being.
we hold dearest to our hearts
but with my Blue, I have to make it
Blue don't let me tear my life apart.
acceptance is all you have got
and until you can accept yourself
hang on to the little things, they mean alot.
calling, trying to find my Blue
Blue answers, telling me to make the time
to say the words I need to say, before my time is through.
do I remember, or am I in a state of confusion
I start to smile, and wonder if I am remembering Blue
Yes, it must be Blue, and not just another allusion.
fleeting in and out of the clouds on high
leaving me to ponder, think and ask
My Blue, you won't let me die!!!
The Far Side of the Mountain I climb and struggle to reach the top I'm perched upon the highest peak I stand back up and shout out loud My mind wanders with the passing clouds I query what this symbol means I'm tricked and taunted by the deep dark hole The far side of the mountain now has a different face Now having been to the mountain top that never really was by Bev Toma (4/6/98)
The far side of the mountain peaks
It's allusive, but calls me by name
I stare in utter amazement though
As it beckons for me to play the "game".
My body is weak and frail
I pray dear God, just a few more steps
Breathless, I listen, I hear it wail.
I wonder what has brought me here
I search the grayish sky and listen
But no answers, I crouch in fear.
My God please set me free
I've scaled this mountain stone by stone
Dear Lord please listen, it is me.
I long to catch that ride
Below me waits a vast deep hole
The mountain bellows; Come now be by my side.
What game have I been drawn to
I question, I cry, I continue to play
And yet the mountain has a different yew.
The mountain seems to smirk and say
The wail is not from High, but low
The choice is yours to leave or stay.
I sit her confused, bewildered, with no one near
Is this game some test of strenght?
The mountain is only in my mind, the rest is what I fear.
As I stumble and slide down, my thoughts are awry
Because this "game" was never real, only in my mind
I have to question to myself, is this the way I die?
The Seagull and the Soul No one knows the path the Seagull will go The mighty Seagull looks so strong, so big This beautiful Bird, so graceful, so stunning The Seagull hears the scream of my soul (Bev Toma) 4/1/98 Life and Purpose You get on tip toes and look a little harder So once you understand your life Purpose changes from day to day So, no need to plan for tomorrows So, when there are no tomorrows So when the world looks like flowers (Bev Toma) 3/31/98 A Branch But Not A Tree Is anyone out there I once felt accepted I never really realized Two weeks before her "calling" I long to talk with her You know what really hurt "that day" Just remember when you ask yourself The sad thing is that facts are facts As the days become shorter Is anyone out there----Does not appear to be by Bev Toma (BI - 8/20/95) One song can spark a moment One smile begins a friendship One vote can change aa nation one step must start each journey One voice can speak with wisdom by Bev (flog) Toma
Across the sky the Seagull flys
It has my spirit, but not my soul
The Seagull looks mighty and strong
The spirit is weak, it has taken its toll.
You can only wonder if the soul will follow
For the spirit it has taken, its light has dimmed
The soul is searching, but seems so hollow.
The spirit it has taken, so fragile, so small
Off to a place, not yet sure, can't even tell
The soul starts screaming, please take me all.
Flying so high in the shadow of Sun
The soul gives a call, spirit please wait
Our work is not done, you must stay, don't run.
It's watching, it's waiting, it's motioning hither
It soars even higher, the spirit in tow
Will the Seagull win, will my soul wither?
When one looks up at the sky
And you use the star light to see
Are we seeing what we are supposed to
Or, is it just a blank sky for me.
Quite sure that this will ring a bell
And then you step back a little
And realize you are at the gates of hell.
Perhaps you learn the in's and outs
You become aware your life is hell
And that's what life is about?
Your tomorrows never come
You begin to stop, question and think
That your life has no more fun.
for they will surely never be
No need to yearn for yesterday
Because neither exist for me.
And yesterdays are only blurrs
You realize that you are only existing
You might ask, is this a life for her?
One must stop and think.....
Flowers are not forever.....
They die and then they shrink.
One thinks of a family
as a branch within a tree
but as I look around
there is no longer a branch for me.
does anyone really care
I look all around me
but see no one there.
was funny, had many friends
but now since my BI
I feel condemnation from deep within.
until my Mother was gone
that she was the one who love me
and still does from beyond.
by the Mighty One above
She took me by the arms and said:
"you'll have my undying love".
But know that cannot be
For if I were to "chat" with her
There would no longer be a me.
While I lay watching all the glares
My doctor and my family saying:
Shush, she is BI, go back in there.
How can I be this way?
I was laying in that hospital
Praying for God to have His way.
unfortunately they don't lie
I just need to get "my answers"
to "let go" and say "good-bye".
And my health much more complex
I will ask a final question------
In the second paragraph.
Does anyone care-----Apparently not for me
I look all around me---As I stand alone
And I find there is no family----for me to call home
one flower can wake a dream
one tree can start a forest
one bird can hearld Spring
one handclasp lifts a soul
one star can guide a ship at sea
one work can frame the goal.
one sunbbeam lights a room.
one candle wipes out darkness
one laugh will conquer gloom.
one work must start each prayer.
one hope will raise our spirits
one touch can show you care.
one heart can know whats true
one life can make the difference
You see its up to YOU!