Update July 13, 2006
Well, it's been over a year now since my accident. Some things have gotten better, but I still have to say I never thought I'd be where I am a whole year later. I remember my husband saying last summer, "It might be six months to a year before you're back to normal,Al." At the time I couldn't conceive of so long a time, but now I understand things better.

So what's been going on over the past year? Well, I'll tell you. Not much. It seems all I do is go to appointments, a real pain but if I skip them I'm a mess. I see an osteopath, massage therapist and chiropractor each week. I also have started seeing a counselor once a week to help deal with everything on the mental/emotional level and PTSD symptoms. I also see my homeopath regularly. Now the big thing is that I finally found out about a Mild to Moderate Brain Injury Clinic at the Hennepin County Medical Center, and will be getting neuropsychological testing, vestibular testing, physical therapy and speech therapy. I am really putting a lot of hope into this.

Aside from appointments I don't do much it seems. I still have extreme mental and physical fatigue, chronic pain in the neck, back, and especially neck. I'm not able to drive, too exhausting. I no longer have severe vertigo spells, but the world is still in constant movement as far as my vision is concerned, and occasionally I have mild spells with positional changes. I keep myself busy by reading, doing puzzles and drawing. As a person who was always "on the go" this is quite an adjustment.

I lost my job late winter, which was devastating at the time, but now I am resigned to because I know teaching again is out of the question. Still, it was handled very poorly I felt, without a lot of friendship or compassion, when I worked at a school that touts its sense of community as its big strength. While I'm really disillusioned with the school, I have grown into a deeper appreciation of the insights of Waldorf education since my brain injury. All the things that I now find extremely taxing are what are exercised to help the development of the capacities of the children. I also understand the children who struggle that much better, as I experience so much difficulty with sensory integration, which is at the heart of most learning difficulties it seems.

I have learned a lot about myself through my work with a therapist. One major thing is that my usual coping skill in life has been to DO. I am not someone who likes to wait around and see what evolves. If something's not quite right my MO is to say, "Ok, let's DO something about it!" So here I am thinking, this way of living is really not what I want, but I can't just DO something about it. I guess it's a control thing, if you want the truth of the matter. Now I have to learn a whole new way of being. I suppose this is allowing me an "opportunity for growth," but it is no fun, that's for sure. I could tell you more if you ever want to sit over a good meal and talk face to face, but for now enough said.

I am a person who doesn't like to ask for help, but now I really need it and it feels shameful. I am mentioning this here because I know this is true for a lot of people I have talked to. Brain injuries, even so-called "mild" brain injuries, are life altering and a very lonely business. Be patient and open up your heart to those with them, listen and try to understand. Most of all, keep it mellow.

Original Posting

June 16, 2005 I was hit by a car while riding my bike to work. I was riding on a major thoroughfare in Minneapolis and a car passing me got too close, clipping my handlebars,and throwing me into the air. I didn t really feel anything when it happened. I heard a sound like a thunk, then realized I was no longer on my bike, and it occurred to me that I had been hit. I was told I somersaulted in the air. I remember landing like a rag doll on the asphalt, with my legs in the air, my neck taking the full force of the fall. My head hit the pavement, bounced up and hit it again. Thank God that I was wearing a helmet, or I know I would be dead. I still took a huge smacking. My memory of the accident is one of individual sounds that linger like ghosts. I remember screaming, then being embarrassed that I was screaming, then telling myself, "Allison, you were just hit by a car, you can scream." Then I lost consciousness.

Fortunately the woman that hit me did stop. The car behind the woman that hit me was driven by a woman who at one time had been a very close friend of mine, with whom I had lost touch. She saw the accident, but didn't know at the time that it was me. When she stopped her car to see if what she could do (and to avoid hitting me), she discovered it was me lying there.

Eventually I gathered my senses enough to realize a crowd of people had formed around me. I heard my friend s voice, but I didn't know who it was for some time. I then told everyone I was okay, and stood up. I walked a few feet and collapsed on the sidewalk. I was extremely dazed. I guess I was in shock. I remember at one point seeing a woman (presumably the one who hit me) crying and saying to me, "I am so sorry...!" and I remember trying to reassure her, then telling myself, "she is your least concern, baby."

Paramedics and cops and ambulance came. I don't know who was who. All I know is my head was killing me and swollen like you would not believe. I kept asking for an ice pack, but they were too busy strapping me to a board and asking me all sorts of questions, that at the time seemed very ludicrous. (Gotta do the paperwork.)

I was taken to a hospital by ambulance. They took an x-ray and CT scan of my head and neck. When they determined I didn't have a broken neck, fractured skull or brain hemmorrage they sent me home, even though they knew I was going home to an empty house. I had such vertigo I could not stand. My head had a bump the size of a cantaloupe, no exaggeration (which they say was a good sign.) They handed me a sheet of paper on concussion and told me to take it easy for a couple days and pop some ibuprofin if I had a headache. They didn't mention anything about whiplash. I was barely lucid and they sent me home knowing I had no one there to care for me. My husband was living in Canada, and due to immigration restrictions could not enter the country. I had no family in town. My friend, who had accompanied me to the hospital, took me home, settled me in bed and left. (She never called to see how I was doing after that, which has been hard to understand.)

Since then I have suffered extreme pain and weakness, severe vertigo spells, numbness in my arms, legs and face, memory problems, difficulty concentrating, slowness in my thinking, sleep disturbances, constant nausea, depression and anxiety, visual disturbances and debilitating fatigue. For six months I could not hold my head up for more than a few minutes. The simplest functions of daily life are very draining if I can do them at all. Even sitting was too painful after a few minutes. I have been a teacher for the past 15 years, but am of course not able to work right now, and feel I may be losing my position altogether. I supposedly have disability benefits, but have yet to actually see the money. I have been living off savings for the past half year. Doctors don't really know what to do with me, because I don't fit into their paradigm of treatment or injury. Fortunately I have been receiving great care from my osteopath, chiropractor, massage therapist, and homeopath. Car insurance has run out though, and health insurance covers almost none of this, so now I m on my own as far as paying for most of this if I want to continue receiving care.

I read this website and the stories of others whose stories are much more dramatic than mine. I was not in a coma, I was not in rehab for weeks, I didn t have any broken bones or need surgery. For me it was extensive soft tissue injury, and a brain injury that no one can see. Yet in some ways this has made it harder to receive or ask for the help I need, and it is hard for others (friends, colleagues, etc.) to really understand the extent of my injury. I feel like a baby in this crowd, but this accident was still life changing. I find others stories inspiring, and they do give me perspective. I feel fortunate that I was not injured worse.

I don t understand why people who I thought were friends are so caught up in their own life that they cannot call and ask how I am. I don t want to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, like oh, poor me, my friends have all deserted me, waah, waaah waaah . Some haven t, and I have seen a lot of kindness. But it is hard to see how everyone else s life goes on, how seemingly expendable I am in their lives at the time when I need them in mine the most.

When I was thrown to the pavement that day, all that was "Allison" was knocked out of me. It has been a very lonely row to hoe, but I am slowly getting better and regaining my sense of self. The hardest thing is not having the strength and energy to do the things I love most, like hiking, canoeing, camping, biking, kayaking, skiing, travelling, teaching, goofing around with my kids, doing art, things like that. I have always been a very active and energetic person. It is hard to re-envision myself, but I try to not get too down, and to keep in mind the progress I am making.

If there are others out there who have had injuries similar to mine I would appreciate hearing from you.

Email Allison