A Place To Share
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A Place To Share |
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Here's a letter I wrote to the person who hit me and caused my brain injury....
Let me know what you think.
Sept 15 2005
To --------
I wish I could explain in words so that you can fully comprehend it. I want you to
know how much this is hurting me. The car accident hurt me physically. This, you
know. You re aware that I couldn t walk, talk, speak, swallow or even go to the
bathroom at one point in time. You re aware that my dad s life was taken away from
me. All this you know. I m not trying to tell you this again just so you feel bad.
That s not what I m going to say at all actually. I want to let you know (just so
that your aware) of the things that you may NOT know. The things that I m suffering
with TODAY.
Yes, it s been almost three years since everything. Three years!... YOU may (or not,
I don t know) think that I should be over it by now. But with the physical and
emotional problems that I am likely to have for LIFE, I ask you to take a couple
minutes and just listen, hear me out and let me talk.
My dad left my life. He s dead. He left my life when I was only 16 years old. This
you know. But what you may not know: I asked him to pick me up that day. I was
the only reason that he was there, at that point in time. I am the one that will
forever feel guilty AND responsible for YOUR mistake.
Now I m not supposed to talk to you. This (after full argument and discussion with
my lawyer) I ve decided wasn t appropriate. But I can t (and wont) live my life
knowing that you will never know how this affected me. I lived my life with the
thought that I would enter university, with one sister already away at The
University of Waterloo. Where am I now? I am sitting here, writing you this letter
from Seneca COLLEGE residence. Now there s no shame in going to college, this I
know. But I m going here, and failing. A lot of people fail first year ..is what
you may say. But they re thinking of sending me to a class for special kids.
Imagine yourself getting told that. The shame and embarrassment you re thinking of
is what I go through all the time.
I couldn t wait to see the movie Crash . My girls (the few ones that chose to stick
with me through it all) kept telling me what a great movie it was. I was going to
see that movie with a boy I liked (trying to maintain what little I had left of a
normal life) and just to excuse myself from not looking dumb, I had to get them to
ruin the movie and explain to me what happened ahead of time. I don t understand
anything anymore. My brain, now ruined forever, isn t the same.
I can t retain information. Probably the reason I m failing. I try to convince
myself that I m just being lazy (or that I m dumb) it helps me shield myself from
the harsh reality that I m really just incapable of doing it
This whole letter of anger may seem like a lot to you. But to me I feel like I ve
missed SOOO much . That I can t even begin to properly explain to you the physical,
emotional, cognitive, and mental problems that may just ruin me completely.
I want the pain to go away So I moved out. I live really really close to Seneca
College. But I chose to move out into residence. Why? Because it hurts too much. .
It hurts too much to be with my family! MY FAMILY! Knowing that I am a partial
reason that they feel all this pain hurts me.
You go about your life. You think about it when you need to. When there s a court
case, or something that involves you. Maybe I m just being spiteful. Maybe you think
about it all the time. But you COULD go a day without thinking about it ..if you
wanted if you really tried. Me? I can t! I have to notice how I can t do
things.
I can t stand that I ve brought my mom . and my sisters and aunts and my millions of
uncles (I have a large extended family) and my ammachi (grandma/dads mom) and my
achachin (dads dad/ grandpa) such pain to lose someone that they care about. My
grandparents lost their first boy to make his way to Canada and make them proud, the
one that always went back with gifts to visit. The one that paid for their house
when they were in debt I did it. Me. I took this from them. And because of that, it
hurts too much to be in my house, to be home, with family. I don t deserve it!
There s an old saying You can t go home again . Maybe that s the case. Maybe this
guilt will keep me away from my family The same family who slept in the hospital
night after night with me who stayed until everything was ok who STILL comes to my
surgical appointments with me. I love them. But maybe I should just accept
responsibility and face the facts that I hurt them.
Regardless I want YOU to understand. Understand not only what you did to me, but my
mom, who is dumfounded for words as to why her husband left her. My sister who
with-drew from university to help me and be with my mom and is now re-enrolled
closer to home. My other sister, who dwells on the angry words spoken to her dad
before he was taken away from her and will now never get those precious moments
back.. His brothers, who he supported and took care of and will always miss his
great guidance. His only sister, who came to him with problems and will always be
sad that her new little daughter will now never get to know how terrific her uncle
was. All his close friends (he was a popular man too) who won t get to joke and hang
out with him. His clients and co-workers from the travel agency, his Friday night
card game boys, his church friends, all the millions of people that I m forgetting
to mention what you did to all of them.
Then there s me my friend s think that I ve turned into a bitter girl. That they
miss the Happy Beena (as they say) that I apparently once was and that they knew
and miss. YOU tell me what to say to them.
I m going to end this letter now, because otherwise ill just write forever. Write
back and let me know your thoughts
-Beena
Email Beena