To try to understand our life and its purpose, we must first follow our journey from birth to death. Many of us do not think about our death until we are faced with some spiritually deep moment. We all start as infants, fresh clean and clear of thought. At birth our parents hold us as their monument, and in part, their legacy of a past and future life. We become immortal long before we are able to cognitively appreciate the meaning of the word. The fact that we decide to mate and foster a family, in itself is a statement of not wanting to leave this earth without leaving our mark on it.

As children we are held and nurtured by our parents. They have dominion over our safety, education and well being. I can tell you that when I was an infant child, I was indestructible. My thoughts were not of how long I would live, just how I could get out of my crib. I was immortal. After all, my parents feed me, clothed me, kept me warm and most of all I was loved. My journey had just begun.

The start of most of our life's journey is the same. Some of us luckier then others. Some will be rased with both parents or just a mother or a father, or by other care givers. If you were adopted or brought up in an orphanage you still had someone that took care of you before you could talk. My hope is that in most cases the infants are looked after, and nurtured with love and affection. Whether it is circumstance or divine intervention we cannot change our place of birth, nor can we have choice of those who will raise us. But this too has no real bearing on our coming immortality.

Where were your thoughts focused on from ages one to five? What was important to you?

I would bet it was not the impending thought of your own death. The TV, general news, and current affairs had little or no interest to you. That does not mean that you don't take these things in, on the contrary you do. When J F Kennedy died I was almost two years old. I remember my mother crying. At the time it just meant that she was sad, but I still had no true understanding of the finality of death. Life on the other hand was toys, story books, and wondering what that furry thing called a dog was. I think that the exploring our environment and our curiosity held most of our thoughts. As we approach Kinder Garden or Pre-School, the interaction with people out side of our protected environment, raise us to yet another level. We start to have influences outside are immediate family. Our place in the social order becomes more apparent. We become more individual and less reliant on our care givers. This still has almost no effect on our immortality, because we are not aware what that means. We think for the moment and not the future. Most of us at that age, have not placed any limits on what we can or cannot do.

I can remember the elementary school where I grew up, every winter they would clear the parking lot of snow. They would pile the snow in a huge mound on the school field. During our recess we would play war, trying to get to the top and stay there. Well as you can imagine, the older boys would make sure you would not stay at the top for long. The 15 minutes we spent out there, were focused on nothing more then getting to the top any way we could. Our focus was on the success, not the price of it. Many days I would end up with bruises and the odd bloody nose, with little success in my endeavor. By grade 5 I had finally reached the strength to keep my self on top. Even the older boys in grade six could not stop me, my focus at the task at hand was to strong for them. You see the fight was worth it, and the pain to get there did not matter. I was immortal, at least for that 15 minutes. TV showed us the first reference to death. Our action hero would die today but he would be back next week on another show. By 10 or 11 we know that people do die. You here your parents talk about who is sick or who died, but no one you know. So this had no effect on you. It just did not matter. Their names were not of people, just words to describe an event.

In 1971 while on a family vacation in British Columbia, we had to cut our Vacation short . . . my Dads father had past away. The mounted police had found us through people who had met my parents. They had been asking over the radio for help in finding us. On that day my father had promised to take me fishing. At the time I think I hated my Oppa for dying, he ruined my time with my father. I remember the funeral, he was placed in an open coffin for family viewing. I cried with my family for reasons I did not fully understand. He was dead, but as I looked at him laying there he did not look real. It was as if he were made of wax. I new he was gone, but I did not feel the loss as my father did, it just was not real. I remember thinking he was old. He was 71. The point is 60 years seamed like an eternity away for me, such a long time. It was six lives away for me. After all, I had done so much already. At 10 I had lived one life already. What a thought to have at that age. Was that ten-year-old boy right? Have we missed out? By not counting our lives as he did? I had forgotten I had, until now.

We continue through our teens, family becomes less important to us. After all we were the center of our own universe.

"Tell me something?!" "Share your knowledge?!" I new it all by 15, didn't you? Start thinking about your life, they would say. Think about your future! Well I thought I had a lot of time to do that, my life was just beginning. My friends were the important thing, I had plenty of time. I am invincible. In High School if it is not your friends that keep your thoughts focused on other important things in life. It's your teacher, not giving you a chance to think past your work. There was this girl, Kim Ceasar, she was so pretty. My hart would drop to the floor as she went by me, only to be met with my jaw as I would trip from not looking where I was going. Well of course she would also have the popular boy friend. I thought of ways to be in the same hall as her during breaks, But he was always there. It was mid week and the sound of gossip had hit the halls of my school, "what's up" I asked another student. He said "didn't you hear Dan La Pean Killed him self!" Although he had the girl of my dreams, I didn't want him to die. I liked him, he was nice to me, even when the other guys picked on me. Why would someone do this? He had everything, he had my girl! He was a friend. I never found out what made him do it. What pressures could someone in Highschool have, that would make him end his life? Was that his Immortality? I know I will never forget him.

Well some of you would graduate and move onto University, and some would not. In ether case the focus would change to your career, your future, and your vision of what happiness would be up to you. My marks were not good enough for University, But my oldest sisters were. I watched as she struggled every day with the pressure of the endless studies. I was glad to have chosen another route. Schooling was to me a waist of time. I was going to be rich you know. After all I would have four years of income and seniority ahead of her. The struggle begins again.

As a man we are told we must build a Future, a nest for? . . . . You got it our legacy. Well that was fine for our parents. Dad worked and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. But someone forgot to tell the woman that it couldn't change. The very thing which had been pressed upon us as young men and woman, were changing. New rules! A Power change! Now they want you to open the car door, and if they so choose, do it them self. If you help, you could be wrong and if you don't you also could be wrong. If that's not enough, they now feel that a man is not needed to start a family, they will just have one without you. Now don't get me wrong I am not picking sides on the battle of the sexes. I am just pointing out that as a man, we may not always have a choice on what we leave as our legacy, and by whom.

Our early 20 t's to 30 we start the social and financial climb. The right job, the right friends, wearing the right clothes, living in the right house with the right car in the driveway, in the right neighborhood, and in the right block. It could sound like the right life, or is it?

All thing's material has no basis in the thought that we may not live forever. At this stage in our life most people don't give mortality much thought. We are still building our life, and a future. Wisdom is something that comes with age, and at this age most of us still lack some of that wisdom. Money seems to be what has the most importance. Our social status runs a close second. It is a time to be seen and noticed. Night clubs and social gatherings become our main focus. The search for the perfect spouse or partner has become the extension of the sexual revolution from the 70, through to the 90 t's. Our sexuality plays on our minds with frequent thoughts of the apposite sex. Gender takes no side in the psychological sexual marry go round. This is the time for sexual experimentation, with those things that we could never talk to our parents about. After all, they never did that! They are just Mom and Dad, our parents. Most of us would rather not view the thought of our parents actually having sex! I know that I could not even think of it, and frankly I never want to.

With the amount of potential partners to choice from, it's a wonder how we manage to find a mate. Maybe we just settle for the one who says yes, so we may start that part of our life. This way we can follow a life not unlike that wich our parents experienced. We might even have a picture of that perfect family in our minds. But wait,! It won't be that easy to start our legacy, have we forgotten about divorce? Yes you can have more than one chance at finding your perfect spouse. If the first one takes too much effort, try another. Why work on it, we have lots of time? Don't we?

As we grew up, we thought of Adults as the old people. We felt the generation gap! They just did not get it? We were smarter, stronger, physically fit! We would live longer. Our advancement in the sciences and technology will far surpass any thing they could have imagined. Wait! Wait! Hold on there! When was it that we graduated into adult hood? We are now in our 30 t's, soon 40 will creep up on us, and then our 50 t's. What have we done up to now? How much time do we have left to leave are mark? Hum mm . . . . , Leave our mark. What happened to living for ever? Ah, we look to our parents again. They walk a little slower, forget a little more, reminisce about the old times amongst their friends. Some are sick and frail, others are spry, and we say to then "do you ever look good for your age." Like they should be dead or dyeing by now. Could we be half way through our life? We start a family. While looking into the faces of our children, we see a part of our self. Something familiar, but what is it? With each passing day we live with small thoughts of our child hood. Well we still have a lot of time to think about the future. We must, because now we have become so tied up in the raising of our families, and earning enough money to feed, clothe, and provide that new version of the latest obsolete computer system for our home. If we make enough money, we may even have enough left over for that trip to Disney Land. Well maybe our spouse can go instead, that is if he or she can get the time off from work. Yes, because it takes two incomes to have the things we want in life. Maybe next year we will be able to afford to all go on a trip? I look at one of my sister's and her family, both her and her husband work. A day in their life is a never-ending rush to the next appointment. One child goes to ball practice while the other has to be at her choir practice, and mom has just enough time to have a bite to eat then out the door. Well almost enough time to eat. No? . . . , she will just have to eat when she gets home, in between the laundry. Her husband you ask? He makes himself something quick to eat, if the kids did not get there first. He is a teacher and has his papers to grade, but not for long he has to shop for groceries and then pick up his son from ball practice. When evening dies down and the kids are off to bed the parents have time to relax. If only they were not so tired from work and home events, its time for their bed too.

Immortality, what a thought! We start to realize, there is no time to think about it anymore. You're in your 50 t's or 60 t's, your children are older and look just a little more like you every day. The oldest is in college, and the youngest is borrowing the keys to your car to meat the guy's. Time? , They have no time for you anymore. Unless it is of a benefit, or important to them. You see they are on their own agenda now, they are immortal. You think to your self where has the time gone, your children are young adults now. You both still work hard, college is not cheep. That second honeymoon will have to wait another year. Second honeymoon, it seems like yesterday you were married. Oh what a time that was! "Dad can I have the keys to the car" one of your kids yells from the front yard.

I went to visit my parents last Christmas. "Last Christmas," it sounds so final. My parents are in their late 60 t's and live in Edmonton. My father has had a bout with Throat Cancer, and is now recovering from the treatment and the disease. He is also dealing with Arthritis wich has caused him a lot of pain over the last few years, and more so now after his Cancer. My mother too has had her share of trouble. Some time ago she fell and tore some muscles in her shoulder. This past year she went through an operation to repair the damage, but time takes its toll on the elderly. It will never be as good, and some use is gone. To talk to them you would never guess they have had a stressful year. The church and their belief in God sees them through. Conversation with them would include from time to time, who passed away, and who was sick. Although my father tries not to show it, I believe he thinks about his death. They read the obituaries, not in a morbid way but just to see if they know someone who has passed on. I wonder if it gives them comfort not to find someone they know. I am sure they are more concerned with how their children will do after they are gone, then their immortality. I think they are not afraid to die. They look around, and see their children and many grand children with a touch of them selves included in each face.

You see immortality is in our legacy, what we leave behind. Our immortality is based on how well we lead our lives, not on how long we live. Every day we leave a bit of ourselves with the people we meet, our family and friends. Its not how long we live that counts, its how we live that counts. You may wonder why I wrote this? I am 37 years old, and about eight months ago I became sick with a viral infection that has left me with Imbalance, slurred speech, short term memory problems, and pressure headaches with no suggested cure or even what to call it or how to treat it. I have no idea what path my life will take from here. A few weeks ago while writing this, I found out what immortality really means. I was scheduled for blood work up at Children's Hospital in Vancouver. Having never been there before I needed directions to the lab. I had been up all night with no sleep and I was not allowed to eat prior to my test, so I was not thinking very well. I approached the information desk, where I was given the information of where to go. I turned and started to walk to the elevators and noticed a mother and her daughter to my left. The mother was chatting with another woman as the young girl turned toward me just as the door to the elevator was opening. I could hear the mother from inside the elevator say "Just go up and I will be there soon." Just then the petit young girl came in side just as the door closed. I forgot to push the button, and she asked me "what floor." I had also forgotten what floor. I said I was going to the lab for blood test. "Oh no problem its on 2" she said with a chipper smile. I had guessed her age at about 8 or 9, I found out later she was 11. I said "It sure seems like you know your way around here." " Yes I do, I have been here many times before" she said. My speech was slurred and slow, my head was bobbing as it does on my more extreme days. She talked to me as if I was ok, as if I were normal. I asked her how come she new the hospital so well? She replied "I have been coming here for a few years for my treatments" I asked her what for? She then told me that she had Leukemia. She spoke as if she were an adult, but in many ways I guess she was an adult. At least in her life. I felt such a bond with her. She asked me what was wrong with me as we both sat waiting for the nurse to call us. I explained my condition to her. While we chatted, I looked at her face and through to her smile and then her eyes. I saw the pain of someone sick. I could feel her pain, and she looked back in my eyes and I know she understood my frustration with my illness. We connected in a way of knowing I have never felt before. She reached out to me with her smile and touched me with her eyes. Her life will end long before mine, but still she was immortal. You see her mother came in just then. I could see from her mothers expression, and the sound of her voice that this child had left her mark. She had also left it on me. I will never forget the look of understanding and the bond I felt with her. She will be immortal in my mind and is the best example of Our Immortality. She is my friend. I wrote this thought for everyone, something to live by.

There is one sure thing about the passing of time. Once it passes it is gone forever. With friends it is some what different. If we don't see them for a while, we keep the good memories we have enjoyed. Only to look forward to the time we see them again, and that time is still to come. You see time cannot erase those things from our past that make up whom we are. It only makes them more precious. So always keep your memories and forget about time, because time is gone forever. Memories are there to stay.

Feb.17/99

Email Brian