In March of 1996 we had a huge snowstorm in New England, and I decided to check some of the properties to make sure the snow was being removed properly by the landscaping companies. I left my car in the driveway and headed out in my pick-up truck as it had four wheel drive and I knew it would have better traction in the snow.

I was returning to the office, heading up a road on the outside of a bend when another car was coming at me at a high rate of speed. I remember thinking to myself that he was moving too quickly for the conditions, and I started to look for a way out. Unfortunately, the road was lined with trees and I had no place to go. I saw him cross over into my lane and I remember pumping the brakes, but that is the last thing I remember.

I have no memory of the scene, but I am told that he crossed over completely into my lane and hit me head-on, actually going under the front of my truck. The frame of my truck gave way; it was a total; but the car underneath gave way at the front and his airbag went off. I guess the v-shape of the front of his car absorbed some of the impact has he went underneath; he walked away without a scratch. Thank God I was in my beloved truck and had my seat belt on, but I will tell you that when a truck gets hit there is nothing to absorb the shock. I got hauled away in the ambulance and remember very little of the day.

I was taken to a small local hospital which treated my shoulder and neck, but for some reason never examined or treated me for head trauma. I was in traction for awhile and in rehab, and eventually recovered enough to go back to my job.

I could feel that I was different; I was emotional and panicked easily; I couldn't organize myself nor remember things. I had no energy, lived with extreme headaches and had no interest in really living. I found I could not write things down when people were talking to me; I could not take messages from voice mail and found myself writing nonsense when I tried to take messages. I blamed it on the meds I was taking and basically denied what was happening to me. I got criticized at work for my lack of memory and my lack of organization. But I had come from a highly successful family where intelligence was prized and I wouldn't allow myself to believe there was something wrong with my brain.

A few months after I returned to work, we suffered a loss in a huge government contract which had a negative impact on corporate finances. The solution: I was a highly paid employee so they laid me off. Gee, do you thing there might be a cause and effect relationship?

Suddenly I was up against a wall; no job and a problem learning. Terrific. I finally got forced to face facts. I went to see a recommended neurologist in Boston. I didn't know it then, but she was going to ultimately be my lifeline.

She immediately took my complaints seriously; (others had poo pooed them) and sent me in for Head MRI's and neuro-pysch testing. The MRI's can back positive; I had lesions all over my brain. It had apparently swelled up after the accident and had gone back leaving spaces all over my brain. The neuro-psych testing indicated the effects of brain injury; lack of short-term memory; lack of ability to multi-task, etc. At least I now understood my rather odd behavior. I've been through more rehab and have tried every conceivable medication, but the bottom line is that I am what they term as high functioning for a person with a tbi and I am what I am going to be forever. I miss who I was.

I am extremely frustrated and have panic attacks when I cannot learn. However, I find I have no choice but to force myself to learn. I needed a new career, so I went back to Graduate School and got a graduate certificate in Human Resources Management. Yes, my friends, you too can go to school. You just have to do three for four times as much work to retain the information! Ultimately, I did find another job and had an excellent secretary who knew of my deficits and kept me on track. The company however, moved out of state and I was forced to find new work. Eventually I landed a job near my home, but opened Pandora's Box. This job was highly administrative with huge amounts of paperwork and millions of details and I had a full blown panic attack realizing I was incapable of performing the work. I quit before I was found out.

I am now job hunting again, and hoping to land a position with good administrative back up. Sometimes I am bored and sometimes I am scared but I am always proud of myself for what I have accomplished against the odds. I live with headaches which would fell a lesser man, but I also live with a sense of humor which lightens my load. I will persevere.

Email Chris