For me, the realization that I HAVE a brain injury was not an obvious thing. I had a lengthy hospital stay recovering from the physical damage of my motorcycle accident and the attentive folks at the hospital took care of everything for me. There were no mental challenges and little challenge to think. I guess the first thing I thought was weird was while still in the Rehab Ward at the hospital. I couldn't figure out why the attendants, and it seemed EVERYONE was quizzing me on; Where am I ? What city is this? What day of the week is it?

At first, since I didn't even know my thought process had changed, it seemed like people were picking on me. They challenging me personally and having me do stuff that other people weren't asked to do.

Slowly, however, things became more and more clear that I am different than I used to be. I think it took me a while because I had no mental duties or challenges. Everyone in the hospital was taking care of me and were quite kind. Heck, I don't even remember anything of my eight weeks in intensive care. Perhaps the slower realization was because of the substantial surgeries I had and the residual affects of the drugs.

My analogy works this way.

Imagine, if you will, that we are all living within the spheres that are "us". This sphere is transparent, invisible. We all roll nicely along, bumping into others, overcoming obstacles and rolling smoothly along. We get used to how the sphere reacts to external stuff. We decide one thing (versus another) and the sphere takes a new branch in the rolling route. It is all smooth and quite predictable.

Now you have a brain injury.

The sphere that was so predictable, now has bumps, creases and anomalies that make it roll on and respond in erratic and previously unexpected ways. When you bounced against something before, you would always bounce off this way or that in a straight and predictable way. Your rolling along (with other spheres) happened the same as the others and you are all predictable. Even if you want to be "different" that's OK, since you know where your sphere goes when you "do this".

Now things are different. I find it challenging to do simple things, like fold paper in half twice. Not to say that I can't do it. it just takes longer (maybe 10 - 15 %) and I have to THINK about it. An example is: I had to reteach myself to type with both hands and tying my shoes that all kids learn in their parents style and is automatic in the dark is now a KNOT every time. Though almost automatic, it still takes focus away from other stuff that deserves the attention.

We can't see the sphere, our interface with the "outside world". There are neuro psych tests they can give us to see how round our sphere is and how it should be rolling. They can tell me that I have trouble with spatial things and the order of things. Thankfully, many are much worse off. I have no memory problems; some don't have memories to have problems with. Others have personality changes (never positive) and they have become just mean people. My spherical bumps are minor and predictable but different each time. My wife and I had a wake for the person that was and will never be again. That created within me a determination to: make the new me as good as possible easier and moved the challenge into the forefront of my life. I am so happy that I am not saddled with the way things are forever, and that with repetition and practice, I can get more order of things fluent.

Please don't get the idea that the sphere represents your interface to the people of the world or is only working in social situations. In the most private thoughts and activities, it influences how the world affects you. From putting away dishes in the kitchen to tying your shoes in the middle of the night, it IS your view of the world.

One thing the Dr. said who gave me the neuro-psych tests. there are many things they can measure.abilities, thought streams, etc. They have found that you can reteach your brain to route around the damaged area. One thing they can't measure that apparently makes all my difference is attitude. I think about the football player I knew in high school that was the same size, speed and ability as so many others but who ALWAYS did the extra effort to catch the ball, run faster, be quicker to see the changes in the game. Boy, he was good. Just because he wanted to be. His attitude reflected his desire. Then his desire became reality because of his attitude.

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