The TBI Chatroom
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The TBI Chatroom |
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Well since early march this year my emotions have been in control of me, but by oct this year through lots of counseling ,refiling, dumping of baggage out of head I now feel like I am moving forward in a positive way.My Fall and hitting my head on 14/4/97 meant for the next 3 years I was in denial with a brain that was living in pre TBI mode, overloading its self which inturn extended the headpain in the front lobes longer then it should.Denial a strange thing as all that time I thought next month I be going back to work,these thoughts keep you in a false mode of thought,they blocked learning and acceptance of my brain injury.My emotion brakedown in early march saw the start of the new me.But today I feel the strangest thing about me as I look back at myself pre TBI, I feel now as though that person is someone I knew (I don't feel as though it was me)just someone else maybe that's what acceptance is of me ?.But even weirder is the new me,I don't know this new person ,I struggling to drive this new persons brain ,I am still trying to find all my boundaries within this brain and I find I need help to do this.I am just not capable of working my brain out myself.there`s a lot I like about the new me.I am now emotional,compassionate,I feel empathy and unconditional love towards others.To set this new me in place in my brain as a acceptance thing.I shaved my head to a number 4 cut,throughout most of my cloths/things pre-TBI, changed my bedroom,changed my Attitude to one of a listener who has to relearn life in order to move forward.some key things this year have turned me around and would like to share those with you.use of a computer and learning it
finding TBICHAT Discussion Board being able to post and receive advice and support.
Email support from those I meet at that board and their valuable advice and peer support.
Finding TBICHATROOM And the many shoulders in their that held me together(still does) in my hours of desperate needs that I have faced this year.
I give thanks to Sagasha for making TBICHAT such a wonderful place and its opendoor policy.I owe this Mans wisdom a lot,as TBICHAT was the key player in turning me to my new path.Thanks Sagasha ((hugs))
Finding a good Counselor to give me the skills /refiling of my life for me to cope better,I have at least another year with this counselor.
Having Cognitive rehab approved (this has taking me from May till now Dec)so this retraining will start in the new year,And will include cognitive retraining for my damaged areas of executive functions and retraining to think in a different manner which match the new brain function.I can`t do it myself.I hope my new neuro-psychologist has the skills to help me.Sad really as i am 3 year 8 months TBI should have had this retraining awhile ago (perhaps I would have avoided a Emotional brakedown had I have had it earler)
My special friends /peer support I have now by way of emailing.((hugs))to you thanks!
The TBI-Egroup email lists I belong to.
My own Daily Picture group (I send picture of New Zealand out for other TBI`s/Caregiver to enjoy) and my Wed/Sunday surfing picture Group,These open to anyone to join just email me kiwidan@orcon.net.nz
My Greyhounds
my veggie garden
My wife her love and unconditional support,Thanks for being my best friend.And staying with me!
Well all have now in front of me is hard work to get use to the new me and what he can do.I`m ok ,positive and on a new path to who knows where,thx for reading my updated story please email me if you have any question about living with a TBI.thanks ((hugs))
My TBI Happened on the 14/4/97 (or 4/14/97us) it was a cold damp morning I been over feeding my Greyhounds which I breed/rear and race as a hobby trainer (you can in NZ) think i had in my care bout 11or 12 at that time,well after feeding them i was on my way back to the house (I had a 3 arce property at the time) I came to a small foot bridge that crossed a tiny creek on my land,the bridge had no hand rail on it was bout a 3ft wide bout 12ft long .I had crossed it on the up to feed my dogs a hour earlier but as soon as I put my left foot on it,I slipped sideways , I toppled head first over the side and down bout 6 or 7ft hitting my head (left Lobe) on a rock at the bottom .Now i am not sure if or how long i was knocked out but think now it may have been over 30 minutes up to a hour,I do remember falling but don`t remember hitting the bridge with my right side on the way down or my left hip or my shoulders/ neck,but i do remember my head hitting and then trying to get up on my knees and falling back down hitting my face in the muddy creek bed twice and feeling so dizzy and disoriented ..well i staged back up to the house totally wet and muddy from head to foot.i called out to the wife and she came to the door helped me undress into a shower.then she took me to our doctor who noted my file,sprains to both shoulders, neck,left hip and a minor head injury which was a lump bout the size of a hens egg cut in half.That was it.I went home and slept and slept each day after i tried to do my work from home(I had 12 guys working for me in the construction buzz)but found i was having trouble planning, working things out needed to rest lots/sleep heeps during the day.with lots of head pain.Well bout 10 days latter my right side became sore just under the ribcage I felt real ill so I went to see the weekend doctor he didnt think much of it, that night i started vomiting so went back next day to another weekend doctor he said go to ya own GP tomorrow so i did.He took a blood test sent it away, latter that day he rung up said you are off to hospital right now as my white cell count was far to high and my body was fighting a massive infection.Well the hospital keep me 2 days did all sorts of tests , blood test (never did a organ scan)my wife thought i was going to die I looked that ill what did they do ,sent me home told the wife he may as well sweat at home as in hear..Well i couldn`t work anything out,my vision was very bad i could only read about half a page then it blurred off,when i did the end of the months invoices for my buzz i sent out 35 and 27 were wrong i closed my buzz straight away sack all my workers..I new there was something very wrong with me but didn`t know what was??.I kept going back to my doctor saying I`m so ill,I carn`t work anything out my heads hurts it feels like it going to explode ..so finally he sent me to the neurological dept at the hospital..were they did test on me its was now June the 6th ..I was told that I was suffering from a closed head injury with damage to my left front lobe that was serious i may not work again,they made referrals to a neuro-phycologist (which i got to see in august 98)was told that Acc insurance fully covered all medical and 80% of my wages they be in touch when they received the paper work from the hospital..
Now i was still very ill off an on with this infection my wife had to changed the bed linen sometimes 3 time during the night cause i was sweating so much, in sept i started one morning feel real strange i had chest pains sweating and went straight to my doctor who put in a ambulance off to hospital again this time to the cardiac unit more test nothing wrong with heart ( no organ scan done)they book me for a stead mill test in 6 weeks time but i went private cause i was so ill my head hurt so much as well,well tread test was fine!!!so I said to my doctor whats not been tested,he looked at the notes said I send ya for a organ scan. this was oct 97 now my fall was april 97 and guess what my gallbladder showed big probs my doc sent me to a specialist that day next day he operated apart from having a stone in the bile duck, the gallbladder had partly collapsed and fused to the liver,the surgeon had to scrape and slice the pussy infected mess of the liver..After a three and a half hour operation it was removed (normal GB opp is one hour) the specialist said how i survived the last six month with peritonitis of the gallbladder was beyond him ,i guess i am very lucky to be here.. What extra effect this illness had on the brain and complicating my TBI even more i`m not sure ,but does add to explain why i been so slow in healing with the brain.Further medical developed with being sleep tested in feb 2000,they found that cause i put on 40lb in 3y of being TBI i had devoloped moderate/to server sleep Apnea .the test showed i stopped breathing 33 times every hour when asleep for 10 to 30 seconds.
.So to recap I have a closed head injury april 97 with bruising to left lobe and brain stem and what other pressure effect that brings,six months illness with partly bursts gallbladder (removed oct 97) and what effects thats had on the brain.Blured vision which i finally got glasses/retraining for in june 99.sleep Apnea (tested feb 2000)which ment i was not getting enough oxygen to the brain,this Apnea is quite a serous side effect ,and in march 2000 i had a emotional brakedown which the two main trigger were my constant battle with my insurers (ACC) they just became to much for me to cope with,and coming out of denial after almost 3y of foggy confusion ,reasoning and lack of understanding / accepting what was really wrong with me,this starting of emotional release in march were i cried none stop for two weeks is still continuing ,in may 2000 my brain opened more emotion in the form of flashbacks.these flashback occur in the daytime with very real pictures very real voices,and very real feelings which last up to two hours of childhood abuse when i was 10y done to me by a man,(sexual and violent)my counselors say the event was so traumatic my brain froze it in fear(suppressed it) cause i never every told anyone about it.he says the brain never got a chance to file it correctly now it found it through the emotional breakdown it doesn't know what to do with it,when the flashbacks come seems with no triggers i become that little boy again and stuck in them till it runs it coarse ,to date i have not been able to be grown up in a flashback ..they are my real live replay and very scary and emotional when they happen. how much more i can take with the TBI and it effect i just don`t know,emotionally i am at end and its only the wonderful support from my wife and those in tbichatroom as well as those i am close to with emailing that keeps me going!!
TBI problems i have are as follows.
FATIGUE, my brain overloads(meltdown/gives up) with mental fatigue everyday requiring me to rest often,head pain has added to this,sleep Apnea has added to this.
HEADPAIN.While i do now after 3y get some relief i still get brain stem pain,temple pain like a vice tightening,overall head pain and the odd migraine.
STRESS.very hard for me and my family to cope ,understand all the things a TBI brings with it.not computing properly is so hard emotionaly on everyone ,cause of mood swings..
Neuropsychologist Test aug 98
Attention...auditory/visual requires divided/sustained attention below average. Memory...Verbal initial/delayed below average.visuospatial average
Language..Marked impairment rapidly recall words and fluency task,slow and below average reading speed,
Visuospartial Skills..was average but poor concentration reduced the speed of process to below average.
Executive Skills..average on understanding of verbal concepts.Visuospatial conseptual task unable to complete.Sorting tasks repeatedly lost track and was not flexible in his thinking.
Rehab..didnot start till july 98 after my wife lung colapsed with the stress of having to be the rock which i had always been and having no suport for me or herself.till feb 2000 i had approx 76 o/t session 104 s/w session 26 counselling session were i relearnt basic home skills and they tried bringing me out of denial all that time.since march 2000 i have had no rehab for my cognition problems and have just been left which is most unsatisfactory,I am seeing a abuse counseller once a week thats all,but require a lot more imput to help me have some quality of life,i have not been able to conitue training my greyhounds at this stage as a hobby..
MY VIEW the hardest thing with having a head injury is that i never know what i do is right,i think i am only to find out later my brain didnt take on board all the information because its lost that computing ablitity..the next and proberly the hardest part of the head injury is emotions ,whether its head pain affecting them,mood swings,just that you cant workout the simplest of tasked that day,self anger is a major emotion to deal with.guilt of how difficult I are now for others to handle me,guilt or not being able to work .Feeling you are a burden on everyone.Flashbacks.these emotions wear you down to the point of despair. thx for reading my story please email me is you have any question about living with a TBI.
Email KiwiDan