I could not hold a job and I had to drop out of college because I couldn't recall info or pay much attention. I didn't know why. I was fired from job after job, and was even threatened by a former boss because she thought that I was trying to change her system of doing things when I really just needed to add extra steps to make it easier for me.

I couldn't get insurance because I was too old to be under my parent's policy and I never stayed at a job long enough to get benefits. I literally begged the PA welfare system to give me medical because I really wanted help. They refused to give it to me because I couldn't give them a valid reason for needing it. I looked fine and I talked ok. But really I didn't talk ok because I stuttered and kept searching for words and I couldn't say what I meant- the words were lost in my head somewhere. The intake person accused me of trying to live off of the welfare system and sent me home. I tried again and got a different intake person who finally took me seriously.

My mother had gone to a school reunion and met a friend turned psychologist. This friend suggested that I might have ADHD, so that is what I told the intake lady I needed to get checked for. I thought that that was the answer...ADHD. I got the insurance for one month. I made an appointment to see Dr Maloney-Katz a neuropsychologist right away.

At that appointment, Dr Maloney did determine that I have all of the signs of ADHD, but that I also had other symptoms that were not ADHD. She asked if I had ever been hit in the head, to which I scratched my head while I thought of the answer. My fingers rubbed up against a long lightening shaped scar on the right side of my head, towards the back. OH YEAH. I was in an accident in 1989. Then I remembered that I had fallen off of my bike onto my left side and was hospitalized from being knocked out for several hours. I also told her that I was hit in the forehead with a fastball on field day back in the 5th or 6th grade. Dr Maloney ordered tests to be done to my head...I don't remember which ones. I saw her again and she told me to go to her friend at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania.

I went to see Dr Carol Armstrong, another neuropsychologist (I think). I went there several times and got testing done with monitors to my brain, a long mental test and maybe something else. Then my medical ended. I tried to get the medical back, but I was told that I needed to apply for Social Security Disability. Dr A. had given me the names of two cognitive therapists, but neither accepted medical when I had it, and I couldn't afford a sliding fee. So, I cried to Dr A. and asked to see if there was any way I could get help.

I had gone to the Soc Sec. Psychologist to get an exam. We talked for a while and he asked me lots of questions. I did too well, so he turned me down for disability. I even called the disability-training place that PA provides. They were too far away and had nothing for me. I had to call them. They never called me back. I was so depressed and felt totally misunderstood. The only good part was knowing that it isn't all my fault that I was 'stupid' or a 'dumb blonde'. There was relief about that, but then I had so many questions. I couldn't afford to get them answered though. About a month after my last visit with Dr A, I got a call from her. A colleague, associated with Hannehmann Hospital and Jefferson Hospital was doing a study on the effects of biofeedback on the brain injured. Dr A. suggested my name and Dr Anne Whitehouse wanted to meet me.

I qualified as a test subject and underwent mental tests and went to biofeedback in Philly 3 times a week for several months. Dr Marie Stoner did the biofeedback part and Dr Whitehouse did the other tests. During this time I also took Tai Chi because a friend suggested that it would help me to relax. Between Biofeedback and Tai Chi, I had regained much of my ability to function at near normal levels. I still have word association problems and paper work is scary because I can't remember what is to happen to different papers I am handling. I am still often fatigued, sluggish and forgetful. I am called lazy and a hypochondriac. My metabolism has changed from the accident. My body doesn't seem to get enough electrolytes and I don't always know when I am thirsty or hungry. There are other things, but they do not come to mind right away.

One of my biggest problems is that I feel depressed and like I am always grieving for who I used to be. I don't know if I am supposed to say goodbye or try to get that person back. I think I am supposed to say goodbye, but I can't yet. I liked that person. My father-in-law is a perfect example of some of the things I keep facing... He says that I am using my head injury as an excuse not to do anything. He calls me lazy and thinks that I am a hypochondriac because i read up on problems I am having. I diagnose myself much of the time because I cannot afford a doctor and have no insurance. Funny thing is though, that about 3/4 of the time my diagnosis is right on target! I feel cheated and uninformed because I was passed by at the hospital and then had to get the rest of my information in the short time that I had insurance.

I am angry with a lot of people for not taking me seriously through the years. I have been past over for different responsibilities that I know I can handle. I try and have really come along way. I am very tenacious and quit is a bad word. I am proud of my achievements and I like a good challenge. I have basically been my own support team even when others gave up on me.

My family has always been there for me and I love them, but after the accident I had a period of anger and blaming them and cursing, which I never did before the accident. This caused people to back off. They have come back to me of course and I am very grateful. Since no one knew that I had a head injury and no one knew what a head injury did to a person, everyone assumed that I was just feeling sorry for myself and hating the world. I really didn't hate anyone though, except me, for a while.

I spent the first year after the accident competing against the guy who put me in the hospital. He had wanted to commit suicide and take me with him. We both had bad injuries that were almost identical except that I also had the brain injury. What I didn't know didn't hurt me though when it came to getting back to being physically normal. We competed to see who would be the first to be able to walk again and who would be able to get ahead... He won because he walked first and got his life back almost to the way it was before the accident.

After I found out that I had a head injury I went back to the hospital and reviewed all of my records. Seven years had gone by, so I had to wait for them to order the records from California where they keep patients' records. A nurse sat down with me and read my records with me. That is how I found out that I had inconclusive tests from my head injury. Head injury probability was only listed in 2 or 3 places then not again. My test from the ER stated that my brain had too much swelling to get a good result. I wanted to scream and burn the hospital down for all of the humility and devastation I faced for 7 years. If I had known about this, I could have learned how to cope with it and moved on. For 7 years I was stuck in limbo because I couldn't accomplish anything and I couldn't remember the simplest things, like the movie I just saw. I couldn't even go back to the doctors and tell them that they were all bastards for screwing my life up. The doctors had since moved on to other places, and Dr. Mallick had died in that private plane crash with his brother. It wasn't fair to me that they could all just go on and move ahead in life while I spent every day struggling with my life and my identity.

I can't put it all into words. There are too many feelings and it is so overwhelming. It has been 12 years since the accident, and 5 years since I found out that I had the brain injury. I am still very ignorant on what it all is about and no one in my family or group of friends has any experience in understanding or dealing with head injured people.

My husband met me about 4 years after the accident and he liked me enough to get to know me, but it was very hard for us in the beginning. I wanted to tell him all about the little girl with the same name as mine whose life ended on April 13th, 1989. I needed to talk about her. I cried for her all the time, and I wished that she was the person my husband knew, not me, the dumb blonde that couldn't get jokes or understand and follow conversations. He loved me for who I am though, and I really thank God for him. Bruce said that he always went for the 'underdogs', the people that everyone wiped their feet on. That was definitely me! He said that at first he was with me just so I had a friend. Then he learned that I had a brain and that I was really worth knowing and talking with. Bruce has been so much to me because he has taken the time that so many other people would not take to listen to me.

Now we are a great team. He has helped me to stand up for myself. He has grilled me about things and taught me tricks for remembering. He has an extensive vocabulary and uses it with me and when I get a blank look he explains the meaning. Many times Bruce has been my spokes person. I will talk, but when I get flustered he gives me cues and if needed stands in for me until I can get my composure back. We are very open and honest about our feelings, which makes life so much easier to endure.

We have a beautiful young daughter now, which is my life. I am an at-home mom and I spend all of my time with Rebecca loving her and teaching her all that I can. Bruce teases me and says that he will re-wire her later so that she understands that objects have names and they are not all called 'thingies'. (A window is in the wall and has glass in it; it is not a place where you hang clothes.) We laugh about it and I am getting so much better. (Having a Word-of-the-day come to my email is just one trick I use to get back my vocabulary.)

My family and I are back to being very close. The worst that we endured only lasted for about a year. Luckily, I realized just how important they are to me, and we are always there for one another.

As for the hospital, I tried to recoup the thousands of dollars that 7 years of not being able to hold a job racked up. I had spent money on credit cards as I swore to myself that I would be able to keep this job, and pay for my apartment, clothes, food, car, etc. But, there was a statute of limitations on the amount of time (2 years). No Lawyer wanted to touch my case because it was too expensive and they were afraid it wouldn't be worth their time. By the time I found a lawyer, the statute was almost up (1 month left). Before we got very far, the moment past. We did however find that my car insurance company had lied and misled me into accepting a settlement that hurt me more than it helped me (it was set up to support me in my later years, and not during the years I needed it most). We settled out of court and I used the money to pay back all of my IOUs, which mostly went to my mom and dad who paid for me every time I lost a job and couldn't pay my bills...7 years worth! I also bought a car, donated to my church, and put a little in savings.

As for suing the guy that I was in the accident with. He was driving my car and did not have his own insurance. My insurance picked up his tab and then settled with me as if I was the person who didn't have insurance! They acted as if Chuck was their client instead of me, which is a major conflict of interest. That is how I received the first settlement that won't help me until I am about 40 yrs old. I did not understand any of this and had no clue that they were representing him, so I went with the flow and trusted the insurance company. Chuck himself had no money. I could not have sued him because it would be like trying to get candy from a piece of metal. I'd never see a cent.

I lead a pretty normal life now when I am with people who are willing to listen to what I am trying to say as opposed to what I did say. These people also understand that I sometimes need things spelled out to me in laymen terms. They know that I tend to think before I have formulated a complete thought, and that I need a few extra moments to get the right word in the right context.

It is the people who don't have the time or patience to just accept me that I have a problem with. These are usually employers and people like my father-in-law that accuse me of being lazy and of making excuses for not getting ahead.

I am working on getting insurance for my family. Since my husband is a roofer, that is hard. But once I have it, I want to finish getting the cognitive therapy that I think I still need, and the counseling that will help me understand what has happened to me.

Meanwhile, my philosophy is that God and I are doing a three-legged race together. He has seen me through everything and provided me with everything I have needed to keep my head above water. He has given me people to act as my guides and braces when I have needed them to be that. He has given me a caterpillar in May that later turned into a butterfly because I asked God to reward me for not giving up on myself or Him ...a Monarch butterfly that does not appear in this state until late July or early August. He has given me love in every way that I have needed. Thank You God for everything!

If anyone can give me advise or direction I am very open, and appreciate knowing that this site is available to people like me. You are like family that I never knew I had... a welcoming family!

Email Dawn