The nightmare begins:

I spent a weekend with what I thought was gastric flu, unfortunately it was much worse. On Monday I was no better but struggled on looking after my son. I had a shower midmorning while my son slept. After the shower I fell down a flight of stairs, I put it down to flu, but I now know it was symptomatic of loss of balance. The health visitor was due to check on my son, when she arrived I still displayed flu-like symptoms, her advice was to drink lots & take paracetamol. However after she had left I became much worse. I poured a glass of water but didn't manage to drink it as my hand shook so much and I fell about so much. I managed to crawl to my bed, lift my son and feed him, then I just collapsed on the bed. My mother got home around 6 PM, she found my son and I still on the bed, my speech was so slurred she thought I had had a stroke. My family doctor saw me and sent me to the local hospital. My father and brothers were left holding the baby.

On the journey to hospital I had several seizures and vomited repeatedly but never lost consciousness. I don't have much memory of my initial hours at hospital, I had a CT scan I think, all I can remember was feeling very scared, especially during seizures. I also remember losing my contact lenses and being totally obsessed with this, as if I didn't have more to concern me.

And continues...

After a few hours I was sent to the institute of neurological sciences in Glasgow. I don't recall much of my first week there. I do remember being sick constantly, and having lots of diagnostic tests. It soon was clear I had a horrible muscle tremor, I'd lost my balance, was ataxic, my speech was impaired as was my coordination. I spent 6 wks there, during which time I had 2 lumbar punctures, 2 MRI scans, countless blood & other tests. All the doctors were puzzled as I had such varied symptoms. No diagnosis could be given and any treatment was drug trials. I spent Christmas in hospital rather than at home with my new baby. It was 4 to 5 weeks before I saw him again on a weekend visit. I was transferred back to the other hospital, while my home was made suitable for my new needs.

Three weeks later I returned home. I left a 2 week old son and returned to a 3 month old, I'll never accept this loss. At home began a process of rehab. Wheelchair-bound, I attended physiotherapy, I also had speech & occupational therapy. My tremor meant daily tasks such as dressing & feeding had to be relearned.

Will it ever end?

Four years on, I'm still recovering slowly. I walk with a zimmer, my speech has improved, my tremor has settled allowing me to do most things even handle contact lenses, writing is the only thing that it still prevents me from doing. Mentally I'm just as alert and clever as before, for which I'm really thankful. My personality is unchanged. Emotionally, who knows.

Nihtmare is my reality now.

Right now I'm attempting to live life as "normally" as possible.All around me my friends are getting married, having babies,getting promoted, etc., meanwhile I just wait to be recovered. Will it happen I wonder?

Email Fiona

Scotland