February 6, 1996 at 5:00pm, I was waiting with my left blinker to make a left turn into Sears Auto Tire Store in Moline Illinois. Earlier that morning I was on my way to my music therapy internship and had a tire blow up on me...almost had an accident then. The tire was brand new from Sears. I was returning to Sears to have the tire replaced. With my seatbelt on [ I would never start the car unless everyone in the car was buckled in], I was waiting for the opposite 2 lanes of traffic to clear..

I was sitting in the middle lane ready to turn when the opportunity arose. My immaculate shiny, red 1977 Buick LeSabre was my armor truck, my treasure. I got compliments on it all the time. It had very low upkeep, high mileage, was dependable for frequent family vacations, and took me through 4 years of college and beyond.

Don't even remember the hit. No squeeling tires.[police found no tire marks on the road...driver didnt even brake before hitting me.] I was knocked unconscious. When I awoke, i was unable to see. I felt terrible pounding in the back of my head...like someone was hitting me repeatedly with a sledgehammer. The pain would not stop. Eventually, I could see...the ceiling of my Buick. I could get a glimpse of the sky and could see that it was moving, which meant that my car was moving without a pilot. I tried to grasp the door but my arms wouldn't move. I thought I was pressing the brake to stop the car, but the car kept moving.

I heard a woman's voice. I can recall a few things she said, like she was an off duty EMT, she was going to put the car in park, and she talked to me. I struggled to breathe. I couldn't talk, move, and I couldn't see very well. [for 5 years, no doctor found my 2 forms of double vision and my depth perception problems although I kept telling them I was looking through a screen.]

With my neck in brace support, I was taken to the local hospital. They released me that same night. My daughter "T" picked me up. I don't have memory of the next 3 months. "T" said that I was just sitting in the living room staring, not talking, and that she had to help me walk.

My husband didn't come home from his job. He was in another city working for the government. But he was his own boss. He controlled his schedule. He could have returned home...at least to take care of the emergency. But he didn't. What a kick in the face. We were married 33 yrs, I cared for him through surgeries, illnesses, etc. Now I need him the most in my life, and he wasnt there.

Evidently, no one was paying the bills for a few months. I use to be the bookkeeper and cared for the budget, but could not longer do so. One weekend my husband really screamed at me [my husband stayed away and came home maybe 2 weekends a month by this time.] I was still not able to talk except for one or two words. In front of our two youngest children, he screamed that I was stupid, useless, worthless. He had real hatred jeering from his eyes. I couldn't defend myself, but I could feel his hate.. His eyes were piercing. He paid the bills, and just as he was leaving for another few weeks, he slammed a few one dollars in my hand. My daughter "T" tried to parent her brother and her mom AND tried to attend college. It proved too much for her. She had to quit college. My husband abandoned the family. He would return just to pay the bills and then leave again. He was verbally abusive to all of us but especially to daughter "T". Never did he help her with all that responsibility or encourage her. Just badgered her. Guess it was best he was gone most of the time.

During first year after tbi, I didn't get medical attention that met my needs. I was given the ok to drive...although I couldn't see very well. I was told to try another internship. I was having multiple physical problems that no one found.

So I returned to my hometown. My dear friend Mary helped me find a rental home, a car, and encouraged me with lots of prayer. I was given another internship but lost it after 2 weeks due to tbi. And my driving...MERCY! That should have never been an options to me after tbi. I had MAJOR panic attacks while trying to drive. AND I couldn't see the lane divisions. I saw 6 instead of 2. It was aweful. But I believed the doctor who told me to try. My panic attacks were so bad that a neuropsychologist finally told me that I wouldn't be able to work through them because of the way my brain was damaged. I had one occasion when I became so ill after trying to drive that I went to my general practitioner. She said my blood pressure was dangerously high. She put me in a quiet room and put meds under my tongue to relax my heart.

I tried to work in 2 different daycare schools. After a year of struggling to work, 3 of my doctors said I should stop. In fact, my general practitioner nearly begged me. I was making big mistakes. I found myself washing my face with a sink of bleach water. I would forget to turn burners off the stove long after serving lunch to the school. I was in charge of receiving the kids from several school buses who came to the daycare after school. I sometimes would forget to wait for the last bus to arrive...a big liability for the daycare and hazard for the kids. I had to quit. That's enough for now. I will return later to update. Thanks for listening. grnthumb :)

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