I've always been the kind of person who has difficulty talking about my problems. I would prefer to make a joke out of them. We all have so many problems in life it is depressing to focus on them.

Remember the story of the man who goes to see the doctor?
Doctor says, "What's wrong?"
Man, "It hurts when I do this."
Doctor, "Well, DON"T DO THAT!!"

All my childhood I planned to join the navy. On my 17th birthday I talked my parents into signing the papers, three months later I was in Haiphong Bay. Something called "Operation Linebacker 2" was going on. Water was splashing all around the Okieboat and some jets were doing some really cool stunts! I was informed the jets were MIGs, the splashes were shells from shorebatteres. I watched it from the 7th flt Warroom. I was assigned to 7th fleet boatpool. (Like a carpool only wet) Admiral Holloway was a flier so he prefered to use his helicopter. My basic duty was that of a goffer and honor guard. The guns rang day and night except when we pulled away to rearm or for I&I. It wasn't what I expected. The other branches had pulled out except for the embassy marines. 7000 people died that month because of our guns. I'll always wonder why.

When I came home my friends couldn't understand. I wasn't a killer! The 70s were a blur to me, a bad marriage, alot of fighting, alot of good drugs. On December 4th 1979, I decided I'd had enough. If there was a god I wanted to met him! I drove my car though a granite retaining wall and off a mountain at 100+ miles an hour. My right arm was parlyized and my kneecaps busted. Well, I didn't met God but I did brake my neck c4-6. I came to at a VA hospital and the state of North Carolina was suing me for the cost of repairing the wall. My father had cancer. I decided it was time to change my ways.

I started business college and things were looking good. Then my father started to fade and was gone..a month later my mom was operated on for ovarian cancer. She was in a great deal of pain. My sibblings came up from Texas and demanded she be given pain medication. Momma had listed me as next of kin so only I could tell the doctors to give it to her. I'm my father's only child and the youngest of momma's 5 kids. Momma and I had watched my father die a month before. She told me what she wanted me to do if it happened to her. I knew why the doctor hadn't given her pain meds. It was the pain keeping her alive! It was the desire to see her children one last time! I called the doctor and told him it was "time". He came and gave her a shot, I held her hand while she past away.

Things get blurry again. Within 2 months my oldest halfsister wrote letters accusing me of killing my momma by giving her some "dope". The sister I loved hated my father and me. I had inheritated everything my parents owned. Guilt and loneliness swept over me. I couldn't deal with school or surgery or pain. I couldn't deal with anything. After a year I stuck out my thumb and began drifting around the country.

In 1987 I found myself at the VA homeless Program in LA. They started putting me back together. By 1990, I was a medical clerk there. I was still dealing with the cronic pain from the carwreck. I was so lonely too. It's hard to meet people in Los Angeles. I quit and went back to the streets. I figured that at least the streets are real.

I'm not a drinker and I only got high if someone offers it to me. I spent my time doing odd jobs and picking up cans. One day I went to a mental health center to get a cup of coffee. I met a Mexican woman, a terrified little mouse. She had lost everything she loved, her children. We hit it off. I slept in the alley behind the shelter where she was staying. The counselors told us it would never work. We had too many problems. Well, it's been "not working" for 9 years. On December 10th 1997 my head was pounding, my neck was stiff. It had been doing that for a few days. 1/2 my face was froze but I thought it was just another Bell's Palsy (I've had several of those in my life). I felt a pop or I heard a pop, I'm not sure which. I was sick to my stomach. Something was going wrong inside me!

Diana called 911. The ETs checked me out and said it might be a good idea to take me to the hospital. I'm so big they didn't want to try to lift me, so, I walked to the ambulance and sat up for the ride. When we got there I had to walk in on my own power. My neck hurt so bad I had to hold my head to keep it from floping. They ran some tests. I remember someone saying he's dying. I don't remember much for the next few weeks. I had an aneurysm burst, a coiling had been done. I was told another aneurysm was about to pop so they would go back in my brain as soon as I was able. A month later, they did a craniotomy and clipping.

I came through it very well. I get confused, drool at night, slur my speach, tired all the time but that's life. Now the kids are coming round. They want to get close to their momma again. I'm the only father they will ever know, they are the only children I will ever have. I wish they had a chance to know me the way I was. Shit happens that's life! I'm sure your story is as bad or worse than mine. Let's tell some jokes! Let's laugh together! Let's move on!

Email Julius