It does help to write it all out and to talk to others. Just having this space to write it all out - once written, I let it go. Why, because life moves on. I have replaced those painful memories. TBI has its good points too, one doesn't remember everything, but sometimes it is good not to be able to.

I still have physical problems from the injuries. Slowly over ten years time I am finding the right doctors and therapy. That isn't suppose to discourage you. It is to encourage you - to not ever give up, to not listen to the be grateful for what you have and this is what you get attitude. To let you know it does get better with time.

I've since learned about NDE, near death experience, been through an identity theft by the Social Security Administration, been a penpal to others all over the country and world. Visited a disabled guide in Colorado, decided to stop being upset my son doesn't accept my TBI and generally said, Hey world, don't stop, I'm not ready to get off yet!

Traveling is hard and exhausting but I decided so what - I can sleep a week when I get back. I went to AAA and had them figure out how to get me to Colorado, plane, car, hotel. So simple yet it took me a while to figure out how to get someone else to do the planning for me. Scared my son wouldn't have time to see me. What was I going to do for a week in Denver and not a clue that they drive like the world's worst idiots. Was it worth it? YES. Every minute of the five days I was there, he talked and talked. I returned two months later to look for a place to live, visit old friends and to make new ones.

I also met Robert Workman who has a spinal cord injury and is dying. He gives tours and fishing trips in the Rocky Mountains for disabled persons. I read about him in the June issue of Walking Magazine. He is a testament to life. He took my son and I to Sprague Lake which is in Rocky Mountain National Park and fully accessible. I have photos of the mountains, lake, campsites and trails. Robert whizzed through that set of trails in his electric wheelchair faster than the rest of us could walk. If there is one experience you should have in your lifetime, it is to make the journey to Estes Park and the Rocky Mountains. The mountains are a sense of peace, solititude and a feeling of time. They will always be there. Robert won't be there for you to meet but his spirit will be with you. He goes fishing every day he can get out of bed - drives his van up to the lake and fishes out of the window. He regrets he won't see 40. How many people do you know will you ever hear say that?

I have plowed and pleaded my way through the medical care system to finally find a vestibular diagnosis and rehab program. My final leg of the journey back to a life with balance in it. Maybe being able to see and hear correctly again. I start in January, new year, new century, new life.

As for penpals in NYS, Florida, Ohio, Michigan, Pennsylvania, British Columbia, Ontario, Colorado and Egypt, what a way to make new friends, encourage and share with others and still learn all the time. I suggest everyone make new friends and keep up old friendships.

I have joined the BIA of Colorado and went to a support group meeting in Greeley. Conversed with many all over the state from Colorado Springs to Greeley to Boulder and Denver to Fort Collins. Then I went and met them. Colorado's state association and program features the outdoors with a climb up Pike's Peak for TBI. An outdoor program called Camp Adventure for TBI. Exercise and physical therapy that my home town doctor has never heard of. If you can afford the housing, your arthritis, asthama and TBI will find a welcome of sunny days and shhhh, not much snow in the winter time.

My motto as some of you have heard is that TBI is not an end of life. It is a yellow brick road that leads us on a journey of adventure to experiences we never would have even thought of as our old selves. New friends, new places and always the question of what's next?

If you have read this and think - where is this person coming from? I've never been so down, depressed, miserable, my old self is gone, I've lost my job, my family, my friends, my spouse. Life stinks. I've been there too. I've chosen to be thankful for what I have left. I read everything I can get my hands on and talk to everyone I get the chance. I've chosen activities that are rehab of life and TBI, clowning, singing, bonsai and two schnoodles who have enough enthusiasm and bounce to last a lifetime. What do these things bring me, humor, helping others, harmonizing, learning patience, and having structure in my life caring for those loveable mutts.

Wherever you are at with TBI, new, in the middle of it or learning to accept yourself, woes or triumphs - drop me a line at lily@lightlink.com

PS. Yes, you read right the SSA gave my social security number to another person - identity theft. What an ironic joke on a TBI. A walk in twilight zone if there ever was one.

Email Lily