Were does a parent begin telling a story of sorrow, fear, pain, grief, anger, fear of the unknown and it can go on and on. This is the story of my son Kevin who s life changed forever on April 13, 1998 at the age of 13. It has been more than 8 years but it only seems like yesterday! I hear about a story of a child hurt and the memories come flooding back, I see someone with a child, someone gets married, someone goes off to college, and so on the pain is just as deep and hurts as much as it did so long ago. Knowing that my son will never have a child, never get married, never go to college, never be on his own because of his tbi. It created total havoc not just to Kevin s life but to us as parents, his siblings, uncles, aunts, grandparents, cousins and friends. It changed his life forever and our lives forever. Its also a story of courage, determination, and love.

April 13, 1998 ( Easter Monday) was like any other day. The kids had no school that day but I had to work. It was one of the first beautiful days of spring, you know when the sun is out, the snow is almost all gone and the kids are excited about taking out their bikes for the first time in months. Kevin came to work to see me for some money so he and his friends could go to MacDonalds for some lunch. It would be the last time that I would see my son without the effects of tbi.

It would not be a phone call in the middle of the night that I would receive. It would be my husband walking into my work place looking pale and very agitated. He told me that our son had been hit by a car while riding his bike. I knew then and there that our lives would change forever, I don t know why I knew maybe it was a mothers instinct but I knew deep down in my heart it would not be good. The ambulance was already on the way to the hospital, so we drove there, my heart was pounding, my hands shaking, but I guess I was in so much shock I could not even talk. Getting there I had convinced myself that I would hear my son screaming at the top of his lungs ( he was terribly afraid of anything to do with needles or doctors ) but I was terribly wrong he was nt screaming, he was nt crying, he was not moving, it was as if he was dead. The doctors had already taken x-ray of his skull and were already in the process of intubating him for his breathing was not right. The doctors had already confirmed that he had multiple skull fractures, he was bleeding from his ears, nose and mouth, he had facial contusions and he had a broken leg from hitting the bumper of the car. The skull fractures were caused by hitting the hood of the car and then being thrown 15 feet in the air then hitting asphalt. He had a helmet on that s what saved his life. The doctors told us he had to be airlifted to another hospital and they did not think that he would survive the flight. We live in a small northern community so the hospital could not take care of someone who was in critical condition. Even if they waited he stood a chance of not making it and they knew with head injuries it was important that he get an ICP monitor as soon as possible and they were not equipped to do this procedure. The paramedics would not even allow me to fly with him to another hospital which was situated 6 hours from our community. It was the hardest thing that I ever had to do, letting my son go at that time. I knew it could be the last time I would even see him alive....... How my heart broke that day, my heart had been thorn out of my chest the pain had become physical.

By the time we reached the city hospital Kevin was already in surgery, his last rights had been given by a priest not knowing if he would make it through. We waited and waited not knowing if he was alive or dead. Finally the doctor came out and told us that they had repaired his broken leg but could not operate on the brain because the bleeding was all over and the injury was diffuse meaning that he had bruising and bleeding not only in one area but all over...........prognosis not good, they would monitor the pressure and the bleeding on the brain. We were told that with the injury he sustained he had slipped into a deep coma and was classified as a level 2 coma meaning he was barely alive!!!, and the prognosis was not good and that the first 24 hours would tell the story. That period of time was like being in a fog and not seeing or hearing anything it was almost like having tunnel vision all I could see was my son attached to all kinds of machines and not responding to anything. This is were the nightmare became reality and you think it will never end. Endless nights, endless days, just waiting for something to happen. Kevin spent the next 6 weeks barely hanging on getting infections, going into septic shock, more bleeds, getting a shunt put in because of the swelling, feeding tube and trach put in and still nothing. Doctors prognosis was that he would be in a vegetative state for the rest of his life. He had stabilized enough to send him home after nine weeks in hospital was to send him back to our community hospital. From there we were told that decisions would have to be made to keep him at home or place him in a nursing home. Kevin was not improving, and I was supposed to accept him the way he was.

All this time I knew there had to be more that we could do for him, now that his medical needs had all been met we could finally focus on getting him to respond to anything. Our community hospital was not equipped for this kind of thing and some were not willing to go the extra mile to help him recover. They kept saying that they were not equipped to provide rehabilitation for our son that was now said to be in a vegetative state, so after 21 weeks in hospital we found a rehabilitation centre in Toronto that were willing to access him and if they could not do anything for him they would at least fit him with a wheelchair. As a family we decided no matter what the outcome of his rehabilitation was we would bring him home whether he was in a coma or not. We would do whatever it took to get him better.

Our emotions during this time period were mixed and I won t sugar coat it at times I prayed to God to take him home because I did not want him to live out the rest of his life like this, not moving, not talking, not laughing, not crying absolutely nothing. Then there were day when I would pray for him to get better a little better all I wanted to see was his beautiful smile one more time. How we endured this period of time as a family I have no idea maybe faith, maybe stubbornness, maybe love or maybe all of these things all rolled into one. All I know is that we survived at least this far. And now the time had come for the hard work to begin not that we did not try everything and anything to get Kevin to respond we did but now our hope was placed in a rehabilitation centre that specialized in these kinds of injuries and maybe they had a few tricks in that we had not tried. During this time Kevin was oblivious to his surrounding and it was our duty to make sure that all the right decisions were made so that he could be given the best medical care and the best rehabilitation care that he could get.

So leaving my 9 year old son and husband behind, Kevin and I began a long and arduous journey to recovery. Arriving in Toronto on a early September day I was scared, nervous and yes excited to begin the long process of bringing my son back from a deep coma, and yes I had faith that first day standing there and looking around this wonderful hospital were hope, faith, love, existed at every turn.

The nurses were wonderful that first day, I guess they knew that I was scared not just for Kevin but for me also. So many things to think about and to worry about. All I could do was cry and worry about how my husband and son were going to make it through this long journey without me at home. We were now separated by almost a 12 hour drive not easy to do at the drop of a of a hat. There were also concerns about what needed to be done for the return of Kevin at home because Kevin had been sent for an evaluation only and it would last approximately 6 weeks a lot had to be done in that time frame.

You know some days I would wake up in the morning and think all of this was one big nightmare and that everything was normal once I opened my eyes. That feeling lasted for about 5 seconds and then reality set in. So may day would begin with Kevin s rehabilitation, the first few weeks were devoted to stimulation to see if Kevin would respond, we took walks, got him to smell all kinds of things, and still nothing........I looked around me and saw not just Kevin struggling to get better but many others. Some the struggled lasted a few weeks, some longer, and yes some never regained consciousness. That was the scary part it had been 7 months already and all Kevin would do at this time was sometimes track and he also had the awake and asleep cycles ( which is common in vegetative state ) he was showing signs of a classic case on permanent vegetative state. Our six weeks accessment period was almost over and I could see what was coming they were going to send us home because Kevin was not improving. There were still some medical issues that needed to be addressed so that bought us a bit of time. Kevin needed to get his feeding tube replaced and they were going to replace his trach because it had caused him to have a lot of scar tissue in the throat so it needed to be replaced but this had to be done at sick children s hospital.

Kevin had reached the 7 month in coma.....it was a depressing time and a time for acceptance that this would probably be the end of his stay at the rehab centre. We kept praying that he would get better but it was not happening, I remember feeling so helpless and that I was letting him down somehow. How can a parent accept that there child was going to be in a deep coma or semi coma for the rest of his life. I prayed like I never prayed before in my life those 7 months I was not asking for miracles all I wanted was to see his smile.

At the beginning of November 2 weeks shy of his 7 months in coma Kevin began to respond in a sense he would move his head or his feet and not on command but once in awhile he would react to sound. A glimmer of hope began to spark in our hearts. It was so hard to not get excited , some would say it was nothing, it was just his body responding but not his mind. How I wished they were wrong..... Some morning or almost every morning I would walk into the centre and hope that there would be a change but most morning there was nothing just like every other morning.

You know sometimes we ask for miracles and we get them.....I would pray everyday for that miracle and all of a sudden Kevin began to emerge from his coma and no its not like on tv one day they are in a coma and they next day they are walking its nothing like that. Finally Kevin began to respond to some commands not all but most of the time he would. This was the beginning of a long healing process that is still ongoing today. I think most of us know what this all entails a lot of hard work and a lot of patience. I still use the old adage one step forward two steps back. Kevin spent one year in rehab making it a long 17 months in hospital. There he learned to breath properly, talk, move, sit up, and a lot of behavior modification.

Kevin is now paralyzed on the right side and cannot walk, has difficulty speaking, and still has some major behavior issues but compared to what the doctors were saying he is a miracle and yes he may not be the same little boy that we had prior to April 13 but he is still our son. We went through a grieving process at that point because we realized that the Kevin we knew would never be back. We could see some of his previous personalities one that never changed was his sense of humor but the rest is not our old Kevin. It was very difficult to accept at the time and even some days its still hard because I miss my gentle Kevin and always laughing boy. We see glimpses of him but not always. But one miracle that we can say for sure is his beautiful smile and that makes it all worth while.

The struggles that we went through as a family and the struggle to get Kevin had to go through to get were he is today was difficult and the journey had its ups and downs. I see my youngest son who is now 18 having a difficult time dealing with all of Kevin s behaviors and quirks that sometimes all I want to do is cry. I can only imagine what a teenager has to deal with at a time in their lives were everything is hard for them, school, girls, and peer pressure, but he has the added struggle of dealing with his brothers handicaps. We lost a lot that day but he lost a brother. Yes his brother is there in a physical sense but will never be there to support his brother in all his struggles. He will not be able to hang out, or talk about girls, or drink beer on a hot summer night, or even share in the joys of marriage or even having kids that was all taken away from him that day.

Yes Kevin came a long way since the accident a lot more than we ever hoped for and he will always need us on a 24 hour basis but he is with us. He can play cards, watch tv, watch movies and laugh, play video games, ask for food, eat, drink, and so on but he will never be able to live on his own like a normal man or provide for his family or have children, walk, run, go skiing, and so on but some days he realizes all of this but most days he is oblivious of all of it. Most days I am grateful that he does not realize all of his shortcomings because I don t know if I could deal with all of this if he realized just how he is. He is happy in his little world and sometimes he allows us to enter that world.

We are able to travel with him which we will do until we are no longer able to do this for him and that is scary because what will happen to my son once we are no longer to take care of him. I really don t think about it much because it scares the daylights out of me. I guess we will have to deal with it when the time comes. So many things to think about, so many things to worry about it never ends. One second changed Kevin s life it changed the outcome of his future and our future as parents. Some days I ask why.....then I look at my son and I see his beautiful smile and I know why!

Email Louise