Living before our eyes… a stranger within dad's body. Hidden… Not our Love…but images of the way things used to be Gone…spontaneity, laughter, quick wit, and practical jokes- teasing Like the air from a large balloon suddenly evaporated…escaped Leaving traces, but more void … than anything imaginable. Fears rampant..."Do I look funny... Can they tell the difference...does it show?"
Sense of self... a splintered kaleidoscope...eluding microscopic detection Pieces scattered everywhere... desperately attempting the climb out Withdrawn from friends...the ones worn closer through the years... Siblings so gingerly kept at bay...outside the closest circle

To the casual observer...undetected, covered up, Fooled, though well intentioned... not knowing ...believing all is well Dreams and reality…fragile at best…deliver heartwreching blows Noise echoing…clanging-banging claustrophobic…deafening sounds! Drifting on a sea of circumstances...holding on for dear life…and sanity Face masked...muted pictures of expressionless sorrow While those who know...weep for what was lost Wired…or wiped! The pace to which our days evolve A combination of both… interwoven with the fabric of "today"…

Sense and the senses…eluding.. cascading ... playing games with our mind Tricks! No reason, no rhyme…a merry-go-round without pause Absent…the outlets and stopping places for dilatory respite Present…detours, roadblocks and monstrous "potholes" that hinder speed Eyes…windows to his soul…hazed over yet beautiful…still Expressive, yet not at all. Questions, so many questions Vacant gaze, at times unoccupied…longing, searching…resting? Tired, yearning…seeking an escape route with none in sight Perceiving... seeing little of what abounds…to the left or to the right, limited

Thoughts…penny for yours…would, that it were that simple Cognition locked up…augmented, disconnected and scattered Perseverant…desperately wanting to communicate…be understood Forgetting…retracing steps time and again, meandering the tasks at hand Still in all...Motivation unlimited…success in little steps, heartbreakingly difficult
Flooding…too many emotions, needs, thoughts, processing with focus marred All happening at thundeous break-neck speed,…yet slow, careening everywhere So much to do…now where do I start? Concentrate! Botched…in his eyes only! Gotta hurry, loosing precious time…Head pounding...this way/that way...Which way?
Switchboard overload! Panic! Organic problems awash with pouncing fatigue

Old guy…"wanting his life back" New guy… metamorphous awaits the blend While previously acquired skills, talents lay dormant…untapped, forlorn "How am I doing…how was that…Did I get an "A"…"lets go…more, more, more!…" In constant denial, "not hurt that badly…only an accident, no one's fault!" Gestures absent…painfully unfamiliar... foreign, rigid…distraught and lacking animation
Weight loss…still no hunger, routine…our best companion And then the battle cry echoes timelessly…rehearsed as image of self struggles With new truths…fears…awareness…knowledge…safety issues Never ending questions: "I've got to drive…I've got to go back to work"…When? When? When?

Living before our eyes…My love, My life! A precious man under construction…forever changed Alarmed, anxious…fragile, apprehensive but trusting… gentle…searching Locked in on all sides by needs never even imagined …with unanswered questions Tenderly reaching out with grace, integrity, and patience…appreciating all who share

Hope... annexed daily, Faith, a life form of its own...Trust, with all that is in us
Wanting desperately that "this too shall pass"...wanting it now! Knowing all too well the road set before us must be traveled Direction uncertain...but holding tight to God's unchanging hand Believing...enduring...claiming the promise, knowing somewhere lies purpose So thankful he is alive! But…knowing in our years together we've never traveled this road before…

Written for Lorie, RayRay, and Tamie, Love, Mom (Marilyn, Sept 13, 1999)

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