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Nick "Panik" Redshaw
Nick

The Day time stood still The Major symptoms started on the 31st December 1997 and went on for fourteen days until my wife, Bethan finally persuaded Doctors something was very wrong. They eventually CT scaned and MRI me and when I was told that I had suffered a brain haemorrhage, a large angioma to the front right temporal lobe my reaction was "thank God". A surprising one you may think, but for the fourteen days up to this moment doctors had continually sent me home with the diagnosis "its a bad migraine" in those fourteen days the pain had become so unbearable that issues of mortality the fear of death had certainly be raised within me. So when the doctor had told my wife and I of this diagnosis, the relief in knowing what the problem was. The sense of fear, of mortality had went so much so that I never thought I was going to die. In the fourteen days at home whilst sleeping through the day and suffering through the night, looking back now due to my phobia of light, I recall the passage of time due to the coming and going of night and day and having my wrist watch and clocks on the walls and in the bedrooms on the video and in the car to refer to. It was slow passage of time, still aware of my place in time and existence in the world, each minute, became a painful hour. I was admitted to Derriford Hospital in the historical city of Plymouth and allocated a bed in a room with no windows and my personal possessions, taken from me. No longer did I have my wrist watch to measure time and due to my phobia of light the room was constantly softly lit and the light that came through the door was that of constantly lit hospital corridor. I had no way of assessing time and whilst on the increased medication one of them being morphine my sleeping become drifts in and out of consciousness. The levels of which where determined by a simple test known as the The Glasgow Coma Scale. The Glasgow Coma Scale is a random, but accurate, means of determining the consciousness of a casualty. Which concerns itself with 3 categories: Eyes, Motor response, Verbal response and awards a highest possible mark of 5 decreasing to 1 depending on levels of orientation, comprehension and pain. When a patient gets close to the minimum score of three then things extremely serious. One such question is always, What time of day is it? Towards the end I was about twelve hours out every time which when told the answer caused confusion and stress. If asked the same question five minutes later I would be no closer to the answer I was told at a much later date by a Doctor that no matter where you are in the world and whatever you are doing when asked the question of time, the normal response is only out by at the most a few hours. I would awake on the arrival of my wife and drift away again whilst she was still there and awake again thinking she had been there for a long time or had been home and returned for another visit when infact it had only been moments. Other question used within the Glasgow Coma Scale which whilst not relevant to time are relevant to the conclusion of this autobiographical account are, where are you, who are you, what is wrong with you, questions which even at the deepest and darkest stages of the breakdown of my brains defences against my bleed I could always answer.

My last memory before the operation was thinking would my two year old daughter Megan remember Daddy. With the realisation that the answer was probably only through family photographs the mortality and the fear came flooding back and I would have given anything for five more minutes with my wife and daughter. I blinked and a nurse came up to me she asked me, "what time is it?, where are you?, who are you?, what are you doing here? Starting with concern I answered each question "I don't Know, I’m supposed to be at Derriford Hospital my names Nicholas Redshaw" and then rising to sheer panic I answered the last question "I’m supposed to be having an operation, I’ve had a brain haemorrhage" and as I did so I screamed in fear I thought I’d been taken somewhere and forgotten about. The nurse placed a hand on my shoulder and the nurse said "its OK Nicholas you have had your operation, everything’s Okay its Okay" I reach out and touched her and thought She’s there, she’s real and started to laugh and cry I’d made it I hadn’t died I was back, the clock had started again and I realised there was still more to give, and I’d be damned if I was’nt going to give life my all.

Twelve months after major brain surgery I represented Great Britain in the 1999 Wild Water Racing World Cup with my Canadian Doubles partner Slade Warne and won a bronze medal, the first individual medal for our country ever. I had achieved a childhood and lifetime ambition. Through ups and downs, relationships and my illnesses, family commitments and educational studies, the ability to adapt and evaluate the here and now became an essential quality. To recognise life’s advantages and its limitations, to form new strategies, new paths, but still remain focused on the overall destination and to actually arrive there was a dream come true”. In recognition of my recovery and achievement, then a Corporal in the Royal Marines Commandos, I was awarded the NATO Cup, presented annually to the sportsman or woman who has made the most meritorious contribution to service sport.

However, due to the service not being able to 'RISK' promoting me within my career, I was forced into seeking a medical discharge and as part my resettlement into civilian street I started an MSc in Exercise and Nutrition Science I then want to pursue a Doctorate in Neurological Research, looking at memory recall, finding the memories of movement in stroke patients. My degree in Psychology came to a conclusion in October 1999, a year and a half after surgery, which battling with poor concentration and all the other problems related to our situation was a challenge in its self. That aside, “None of this would have been possible if it was not for the unique way of study offered by the Open University, the experiences and techniques I have had to develop having to balance a complex life of rehab and recovery in order to achieve my childhood dreams will be adopted and used in developing my research. Although I am under no illusion about how hard life can be, if I achieve only some of the success I have shown through sport and recovery in my research, it will hopefully make life for others somewhat easier.

My Research Interests are the Psychosocial Aspects of Neurological and Cardiac Rehabilitation, Human Motivation, Self Esteem and Confidence, Fear and Anxiety, Depression. Two days prior to my medical discharge I was interviewed for a job as a Psychology Lecturer, whilst this came just prior to my finals, and I was therefore not qualified, my experiences and confidence landed me the job, now twelve months later I been promoted to Senior Tutor in Psychology and Head of Psychology for Seventeen High Schools and Colleges.

To conclude, since the beginning of my recovery I have felt that life is like standing on top of the White Cliffs of Dover on a lovely summers day putting your arms in the air and shouting I’m alive” a feeling I hope others will be able to share.

Takecare, if I can help in anyway please ask
lots of love
Nick "Panik" Redshaw

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