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July 28, 1992, working on my current project, a house in Aldergrove. Dan, Dave, and myself.

It was a hot, blistering hot, summer day, even hotter on the roof. My workers and I decided to take a beer break. It was 10 a.m.

We went to the pub where I blew over $200 on myself. We finally left the pub about 5 p.m. . Dave drove me back to the project, I got in my truck and headed for home.

Shortly thereafter, I was being crazy and passed Dave going up a hill on a blind corner. I was going way too fast. But I was drunk, and me being the fool that I was, failed to negotiate a curve.

That was when I blacked out.

A month and a half later, when I finally awoke, I found myself in a hospital bed in the ICU ward. Things being hazy and all, I tried to put two and two together. They wouldn't fit. Like a shattered vase, the pieces were very scattered. I tried to look for the missing pieces, nowhere to be found.

I had no idea where I was, although I was told every day. It seemed hard to focus and I was lost. My thoughts kept returning to my work. I knew that the home owner wanted her roof done. I can remember setting the job up but I couldn't and still can't remember doing the job.

When I asked my brother about it, he told me it was done and paid for. That put a smile on my face. But all the smiling didn't make things right. You see I sustained a massive head injury. My left side was paralyzed.

I didn't know what to do. Once being an active young man with lots of energy, I now found myself confined to a hospital bed. It was really tough, knowing that I couldn't even begin to attempt even half the things that I was capable of.

Upon release from the hospital, I had delusions of regaining my place in the work force. That proved, very shortly, to be an unrealistic dream.

I kept wishing that all this be a bad dream and that any moment I would awaken. But that wasn't possible. I knew that all this stuff happening to me was very real. Very real and very painful.

I keep hearing those commercials about Counter attack and the warnings about drinking and driving. Now I know why they have laws against drinking and driving.

When I was first at home, I still drank quite heavily and smoked pot. On Aug. 3, 1993, I quit drinking but the marijuana was another story. To quit drinking was quite easy. Especially considering all the damage it has done to me.

Now my drug addiction was another thing, and it is hard. I feel lost without my joint. It's like my security blanket. Being left side paralyzed, I thought it quite an accomplishment to make my left side to work enough to roll a joint. I was so proud of myself that I could roll one and I took pride in my rolling. I could roll better than most people.

To quit that addiction was far more difficult than alcohol. Now that I am clean, I feel much better.

It's all in your mind I believe very deeply that it's all in your mind. I did the same thing with pot that I did with alcohol. I just told myself no more and that was good enough. Oh, I still crave pot, but I just say no more.

It's really tough, trying to cope with life, when you don't even know what life is. I thought I knew, but as I am finding out, I knew very little. It seems as if everything has changed so much.

That one and a half months I was in a coma seems like a whole generation has gone by. Everything has changed dramatically.

Sometimes, when I think I believe life should be one way, it turns out to be another. What I mean by that is so many things have altered.

Sometimes I don't know if I'm coming or going. My mind makes me behave one particular way that would have accepted 10 years ago, but that is not accepted now. I don't know how I am supposed to behave. What is or isn't appropriate and accepted by the general public?

I AM
I used to be so powerful so strong
I would do most things right, hardly ever wrong
I had my own company in the roofing business
I found it quite easy, not at all strenuous
I would work day and night, I never got tired
I would be mostly drunk, always wired
People would point and say 'Isn't he good
They would do the same, if they only could
I can remember how I was once
Now I have a brain injury, but I am not a dunce
I have a handicap I am partially paralyzed
It is hard to think, but now I have realized
That it is not necessarily what happens to you
It is how you add things up, what is two plus two?
The answer is not always quite that easy
But the answer may sometimes leave you queasy
You must be able to think and have dreams
My goal is way out of reach sometimes it seems
My girlfriend left me, high and dry
I have a broken hip and am crippled in the thigh
A broken hip and a broken pelvis are my injuries extent
I try to go straight, eventhough I am bent
It is hard to find work and steady employment
I collect welfare now, I work for the government
I try to survive on what little funds I get
I worry only about myself, that is my safest bet
I worry about myself as well as others
I like to treat people like my sisters and brothers
It seems nobody really cares what happens to me
I like to feel loved, it is the way to be
I get angry sometimes, even mad
My mind makes me feel sometimes sad
I get so angry I feel like striking out
I take an anger course to find what it is all about
I sit here by myself I am often alone
I rarely go out I mostly stay at home
Home is where I find tranquillity and peace
I do my own laundry, my pockets have fleece
Now I can understand how you must feel
All you wanted is a roof and maybe a good meal
It is hard sometimes when you're trying to get by
The best way I find is to look life straight in the eye
So I continue to recover the best that I can
My only answer to your question is, Why? Because "I AM"

ROB MAYER

my E-mail is beyond_unlimited@hotmail.com