On July 13th 2002 at about 16:50 that was a day that changed my life.
Practically all plans, hopes and dreams for the future were suddenly snatched from
my capability. 
Now I am classed as disabled. 
Disabled  not sure I have come to terms with it, even after so long. I don't fall
into the stereotypical picture of disability, I am not in a wheelchair, I am not
deaf and my vision isn't as good as it was, I am not blind. Except for a left side
homonymous hemianopia, trouble with sleep, I am able bodied. Oh yeah and I can't
talk very well, I have a neurogenic stutter. Okay, so I have some problems, but I
have had to cope. Actually, I don't think of myself as disabled, I feel like I'm
cheating when I'm around other disabled people. 
I look "normal" at a glance and it's hard seeing the change in people's faces when
they realise I'm not "normal". It isn't something I can avoid really, with my
difficulty with speech. And some other neurological faults. 
Before that date I was a lively, loud, 36 year old man.  
To cut the long story short, I was I was riding down the road to my village, on my
powerful motorcycle a Suzuki GSX 750 something must have gone wrong and I must have
done just that, judging from the skid marks on the road. I was over taking on the
approach to a bend when I crashed into an oncoming vehicle. The police were able to
tell roughly what speed I had been driving, from the tyre marks on the road. They
calculated that I was travelling at thirty miles per hour. (This was fairly stupid
seeing it was a corner on a rural village road) I don't remember anything about the
accident; this is just what I have been told. I was taken to the casualty department
at Oxford hospital first, where the doctors told my mum I would die. Then I had a
MRI scan as I was in a coma and had suffered a brain injury. Later, (when,
surprisingly enough  I had actually died and I was only a shadow of my former self)
there was a little problem. Finally, I went to the Head Injury Unit in Northampton. 

Now I have my own flat in Didcot city centre, am enjoying it too . Mostly. I know I
am very lucky, surviving a serious road traffic accident, living independently,
still all here  .. The list goes on, and yet, I can't change what happened/who I am/
what I have become  . In fact, I sometimes forget  A lot of people know me (a few of
them well enough to see past my disability - I hope!) But it gets .. Tiring (for
want of better word) I mean, people always tell me: "you are so strong and
tenacious" People see me as a good man. 
Often patronised, but I realise with the best intentions, by some who don't know
better  I can't tell them any different, people rarely have much time or patience so
I can get misinterpreted or seen as a fool, thus treated like one. Isn't it commonly
known to never judge a book by it s' cover? Get hyper sensitive to what others think
of me when out, trying to eat or drink, some days are crap, I have times when I
would just love to give up. But that's just not possible, I never give up. People
don't seem to accept that we are all different, different personalities, different
thoughts etc. So then why should we all be categorised as "weirdo's" with brain
damage, when all brain injuries affect different people in different ways, in fact
some of us still possess the same cognitive powers we had before we became head
injured, even being more clever than some?! But there is a Stigma attached to being
brain injured, It doesn't matter how badly affected or not, you are still one of
those people who aren't quite right, the stereotypical view of which being you're
infected somehow and therefore to be avoided. 
So, the future  I am 39 now, and this January it ll be 3.5 years since my accident.
I am still trying to recover, it s extremely frustrating knowing I will never
recover fully - I often despair. I've had to give up so much. There are so many
things I wish I could still do, I have this dream where people could cure me, and
hang on to the hope I'll be able to work again someday .But without  my skills, I
just want to be treated like a normal person, I have just lost my way, not my mind.
I lost so much in that crash which includes my bike, my wife, my house, my status
and all I got in return is a load of neurological difficulties. It was a major life
change and I changed too, and by that I mean my thought process, behaviour, my
emotional state and my thinking about disabled people, I will succeed at my new life
with some new friends and endeavour to educate the masses and get rid of this
stigma. 
 
  
 
My story:  part two 
 
I am trained mechanic and was very social person giving my time freely to all who
needed their cars fixed cheap and football activities. So it would be logical to
assume that when I suffered a head injury on the road my life history experience
would be extremely helpful, but I was wrong. The accident left me with difficulty
walking, talking, headaches and pain in my left side. At this time my diagnosis was
homer Simpson syndrome, which I was told would heal 
 
As a result of my condition, I lost my job, my marriage fell apart, my house and I
lost my driving licence 
 Of course I was depressed, but the  pain (the  and the lack of knowledge about what
was happening to my body and brain, came before the psychological effect of it all
(the. I felt useless, a failure as a husband, father and most of all human being. I
wept buckets. 
 
 Doctors are trained to heal. We place an enormous burden on them, expecting them to
diagnose and cure us. It is very difficult, especially with neurological problems,
to give a diagnosis. I just want to be seen as a individual, not just another
number on the list. My inability to be understood when my speech is slurred when I
know what I am saying is frustrating and maddening. I feel isolated, low and weepy
and sometimes, despairing. I also get very frightened on my frequent  bad days . To
be able to cope with not knowing what is wrong means becoming one s own advocate,
or trusting someone to do this for you. It means challenging people who are trying
to label you. It means believing in what one s body is saying, and not being hard
on oneself when everything gets too difficult. 
 
I was a strong proud man with dignity and now my life has changed so dramatically, I
still feel the same way, the way other people treat me (whether I know them or they
know me) their remarks is like a shard of glass into my heart. I have used the
internet to get in touch with other TBI victims and they all say the same thing but
they also said I m doing so well as I am the newest member, and by that I mean its
only been three and a half years since I had the worst type of brain injury
according to saint Andrews staff, and as they are the head injury specialists and
operate the national center for rehabilitation, I guess they know what they are on
about, I m so glad there is an exception to every rule, and I m living proof of this

 
And they wanted to put me into sheltered accommodation but one of the things that
hasn't changed about me is my pride and as soon as I get my licence back I really
want to get of DLA and earn my money and become a useful member of society again as
I said in the first part I m not the stereotypical disabled person although I have a
lot of neurological problems which I will not bore you with. 
 
Part three; 
 
The injury itself has many different levels but all of them take a piece of who you
were and will never be again. There is what they call closed head injury. This can
totally take you away and make you a different person. You may suffer memory loss, a
change in personality, your emotions run rampant. These are only a few things that
can happen with a brain injury. The Traumatic Brain Injury has all of this and more.
People for the most part will never be the same person. They may have seizures,
confusion, learning disabilities, impulsivity, and obsessive- compulsiveness
disorders and more, the list is endless. They may become uncontrollable and a
dangerous to themselves or others. The injured person may make threats, such as;
telling their family they hate them, want to kill you, you do not love me, etc. Each
head injury is different although with some similarities. If this isn't enough, the
worst may be the people around you, extended family, co-workers and/or friends who
mean well but don't have a clue. The head injured person may look fine and thus they
expect you to be fine. If they can't see it then it must not be there. They may get
angry with the person when their emotions spill over because they do not understand
the confusion and overwhelming feelings the person can't control (sometimes even
with medication). Mostly the friends and families want the 'old' person back and put
too much pressure on the person to make this happen. The head injured person
desperately wants themselves back too but can't get there and then becomes very
frustrated and angry with themselves and those around them, often the ones who love
them. The good news is the injured may not be the same person but they can make the
new one just as good. It will take a lot of effort and hard work. They will need
love and support but it is possible. Until this can be accomplished we live day by
day and hang by a thread hoping one day it will be a rope and then one day you've
discovered you made it! However, head injuries are for life as they do not heal like
a broken bone. They are very real for the rest of the person's life. This is not
meant to be all inclusive of head injuries. This is my personal experience from both
my own brain injury I still continue to struggle with daily. Like leaving a room and
hearing the whispers and returning only to find that it is quiet or the subject was
personal and I can t be told what was said or what it s about, this might sound
angry, well it as I was angry whilst writing it, and before you start on about anger
it is ok to be angry twenty fours a say the problems only arise when that anger gets
displayed, so if I ve caused upset or distress I am not sorry in the slightest. If
you are really disturbed by this then why don t you take the time to learn about
brain injury and then you might be aware of some of my problems and if then you are
still hungry for knowledge you might take a bit more time in between work, shopping,
washing, cooking and cleaning and actually find out what are my problems. I think
that you will choose to remain ignorant but that is your choice. 
 
  
 
PART 4 
 
I had travelled on life s journey, but none of my experiences could have prepared me
for the trek that lay ahead. There were no travel guides, and definitely no maps. It
was to be the journey inside my very soul. The outward trip to my turn destination
was inconsequential, and then on the way back it happened. I was involved in a crash
my motorcycle. Therefore I impacted on the road at some enormous speed, and it was
then some unknown force took over - or so I cannot help but believe. The first
policeman there was a mate I had not seen in years, I have lost touch with him
since. 
 
I was taken to the John Radcliffe hospital where orthopaedic surgeons,
neurosurgeons, and all manner of medical staff did their best to keep me alive even
though I was being lewd and suggestive, for which I m sorry but in my defence, this
was part of my brain injury. I had broken my right wrist but later learned my mind
was broken, Worst of all was the multiple brain haemorrhages I was suffering.
However, I did not intend to die, so instead took a well deserved break in my coma!
Finally, after 4 weeks I came out of my coma, and hardly remember anything of those
events. Who were all these people, where was I and who am I? And what were all these
folks doing there? In addition, why was I so thin?  From then on, it was an out and
out struggle to resurrect my life. I had to learn to walk again as well as all the
other things you might teach a child. I found could not even summon the correct
neuro motor control that would allow him even to stand up! Meanwhile all the
neurological repairs continued. And I found I had to learn almost everything again.
It was so frustrating. After a while I could at last leave hospital and begin to
recapture something of a normal life. Then in November 2004 my wife left me and so
another chapter in my life was about to begin. I continue to use the experience
gained from brain injury to do more for myself as once I ve healed myself I can
assist others as I have written my own travel guide and have a very useful map , I
know head injury is a personal thing but I feel my map can be of benefit to others.
I have a unique insight into head injury as I think I m quiet knowledgeable and I
also have the insight into actually having sustained a severe closed head injury,
which is not something which can be taught regardless of the level at which you
learn. 
 
Now life seems to have settled down and it s not all that bad with the exception of
how I m treated by others, I am currently undergoing the process of having my
driving license returned although I ve lost my LGV segment, but I m told that I will
get my car and motorcycle parts back, and this was made possible by the intervention
of professor Derick Wade who has proved to be an excellent man. I got depressed when
my wife left me and was not happy to learn that I ll be depressed again when I get
better. I so desperately want to achieve my full potential but with my neurological
defects and the knowledge that I ll never be the same man again and that makes me
sad as I though I was a good man, so even if everybody stops judging me so harshly
and just gives me a chance I ll try and be 99.9% of who I was. So please just think
how would I be if I had gone through what Tim has been through 
 
  
 
PART 5 
 
  
 
I know in the previous parts of my story I ve been a bit repetitive, but in a nice
way. What happened to me was a very strange thing and now I m not sure I comprehend
it totally, life for me has changed dramatically, I don t think you understand it
fully, (more repetition) as only I know what I ve lost and although you all say I m
fine, your mistaken. Daily I improve and make fewer mistakes, however my thought
process has been altered and shows from time to time. It feels so weird to be me as
it is almost like a twilight episode I saw years ago about a astronaut who after
circling the sun his ship lands on an alternative earth where nearly everything is
the same but there are differences and although in kill bill the bride was shot in
the head and had a four year coma I think her recovery speed was just a bit to
amazing and in regarding Henry that was more realistic as it does take time and he
did. I get annoyed by the though that recovery for me will be as long as I live,
well I suppose that is ok as long as I get a life and actually live, become a useful
member of society and fulfil my work ethic even if its just one job, I want to excel
as I did before. I am at a stage now where I can actually take pleasure in a
beautiful sunset/sunrise, or the simple pleasure you get from Childs laughter or
smile and the satisfaction of success and I know I m there now as I do get a sort of
joy from these things. Well you say I m fine, well I think that you can not have a
head injury and escape without any neurological deficits, for example I have a
homonyous hemianopia, loss of taste, smell and a strange feeling in my left side,
but that is due to the fact I injured the right side of my brain, some memory
deficits but that is enough about me and as Trevor Powell states in his new
publication that people who share the news of their injury get better quicker, to me
it sounds like whinging, I keep reminding myself of the thing I was told by other
victims online at   tbihome.org, I m still new to this as it is only three and a
half years for me and they also said life does and will get better, although they
could not put a date when it w
ill, I will say that when I was first ill if ill is the right word life was not as
good as it is today. I do not need or want your pity, compassion or sympathy and if
there was one thing I d actually ask you for that would be; give me a chance by
taking the time to get to know me and then you can remark on how I am. I know life
holds some major changes for all of us but I have had a few so read on and decide if
there is more to come? 
 
1. Severe brain Injury 
 
2. Loss of job 
 
3. Loss of driving licence 
 
4. Loss of wife/divorce 
 
5. Loss of domicile  
 
6. Loss of friends 
 
7. Loss of brain function 
 
8. Hemispherical balance (as the left works better than the right hemisphere) 
 
   With the exception of number 4 I am trying to achieve in varying degrees and in
my former life I was guilty of trying to hard and even more now as I m told I
should learn to walk before attempting to run, which actually makes me laugh as I
have lost the ability to run. My recover has been good but now it s like I ve
sailed around the Cape of Good Hope and by that I mean the doldrums. That means
that everything now seems like a ship with sails without the wind to assist it in
forward motion. But I also know that the founder city of civilisation was not
built in a day, so as I ve said I do not feel especially disabled but I know I am
and I want to end the stigma attached to brain injury!  Do not believe all the
things that you have heard as that will me I cease to exist as I have defied the
figures pertaining to severe head injured people, I do not hold any opinion on
the troubles in the middle east, as I only know what I ve heard on the news and I
also know that the government does control what we are allowed to hear, so maybe
in time we will learn the truth? As now the government is telling us the things
that actually happened and that is true all over the world just before you start
on about me and the Irish situation and I could expand as I have some knowledge
of the British atrocities over one fifth of this planet. Well I ll leave you all
in the good grace and favour of our lord as it s getting late and I don t want to
start repeating myself again.
  
 
Email "Padmeister"