My family never knew. I soon quit the baseball team, withdrew from freinds, was in a sort of psycotic daze. So my later teen years were kind of confusing. I experimaented some with drugs, but not to seriously. after high school I withdrew even more, not trusting anyone, I didn't know why.

I started working as a laborer, carpenter helper. My depression was getting quite severe and I went to a doctor when I was nineteen, who prescribed an antidepressant. This seemed to help, at least I could sleep. But the truth is I was just in a comfortable daze. Through the years, I tried to find a way to normalcy . After a bad relationship, I became despondant and went to a mental health outpatient center. This helped me in many ways, to get out of a false reality that i had created, isolated and judgemental.

Well that was in 1979-1984. In 1996, I contacted another psychiatrist and have been on medication for years, though it was difficult for me to continue it.

My nephew wrecked a motor cycle around this time and was put on life support, yet did not survive. this got me to remember my own accident. At 42 years old I finally knew why I was so messed up. So many years and doctors and nights wishing I were dead. what a crazy world this is. I am highly functioning, but still have no real sense of self.

I still do construction work. I dont quit jobs as I used to, and I just Purchased my first house. the main problem I have is seeing any sense in carrying on. Every day its like I have to start all over again

I still hope to find a way to feel better about life, I'm not too angry at myself for so many years of emptiness. Sometimes I can see a reason to go on, usually Its just a step at a time.

Email Tony